Taboo

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Taboo.

That's what my life was.

That's what my mother made it out to be, at least.

"Being gay isn't normal. You have to date a boy. I won't accept it," she said.

I was the new student this past year. New faces, new me. This version of me didn't want to hide. But my mother told me I had to. Nobody would like the gay version of Caleigh. I'd be the "outcast", the "weirdo".

So I hid. It was me, myself, and I for months.

Or more so me, myself, and my razor.

He was my only friend. The only friend that I could be honest with. And that would be honest with me.

I say "I'm gay."

My razor replies saying, "that's disgusting. You deserve to feel pain."

So that's what I felt. 

Pain. 

Razor's words sliced through my arm.

Everyday, more words.

The more my mother pushed me into the closet, the closer I got to my razor.

He was all I had left.

That is, until she came.

She saw me in pain.

She talked to me.

She hugged me.

And she didn't even know the full truth.

When I admitted "I'm gay", she got upset.

She was upset because I waited to tell her.

She wanted to be there for me.

And she was.

She still is to today.

She told me to get help, see a therapist.

So I did.

She told me to tell my parents how I feel.

So I did.

She told me to find a girl who makes my heart feel like it's on fire.

So I did.

Little did she know, that I did that long ago.

When we first met.

She is my knight in shining armor.

She is my hero, my savior.

She is the love of my life.

She is straight.

I'm not.

So the razor returned home to me.

We grew closer once again as I grew apart from her.

She said she missed me.

I tried to brush her off.

But she wouldn't let me.

She made me tell her.

Because she knew something was wrong.

She knew I was hurting again.

So I told her.

I told her, "I like you, as more than a friend."

She smiled and said that it was okay. She would never judge me.

She asked why, though. 

So I had to tell.

I told her how she saved me.

I told her how her blue eyes are mesmerizing.

I told her how her smile drives me crazy and makes me feel like I'm on cloud 9.

I told her everything.

And she didn't leave me.

I know she's straight. But I had to tell her.

She wanted to know.

She wanted to help.

Suddenly, I never spoke to my razor again.

Sometimes, he misses me.

Sometimes, I miss him too.

But I have her now. 

She made me realize that my life is no taboo anymore.

She helped me win the game.

And I did.

I won.

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