I don't deserve to live

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As surprised and shocked I was to wake up, I wanted to know how I managed to live. I was no science student but I thought my plan would work. I overheard my parents talking to the doctor. Thanks to the CCTV, they saw me try kill myself and rushed in. They surgically removed the pin and stopped the saline whilst a doctor bought an adenocine. They injected the adenocine and the flow stopped. Even if I had succeeded, I would've gotten infected to the worst possiblity of gangrene or tetanus. They didn't ask anything about why I tried to kill myself.
2 weeks later I was discharged and had missed my terminal exams. I had to repeat this grade. I didn't even care, all I was sad about was failing death again. I made some new friends with the batch and got along surprisingly well. I started coming out of depression and enjoyed life a little. I started socialising again and everything was going great. I started enjoying school, focused on my studies, read some insane books and watched a lot of movies.
All of this changed in a fraction. The start of my new beautiful life never saw the end coming. I fell into my biggest fear, crush. I had this friend who was really really close to me and I started having feelings for her. I gained the guts and went ahead to ask her out. I decided to do it at this party we were gonna have.
The day of the party was here and I told her to meet me at this private spot. When I went there, I saw her making out with someone. I was a little hurt but gave up on it. I started fucking things up again. People stopped hanging out with me. This was all repeating again and I couldn't bare it. So I started writing a book about what happened. A little biography as a memento. I know you all don't care but I was "delusional" and being delusional felt better than the harsh truth.
I have finished writing my book now and I've bought cyanide. I know I'll succeed because there are no new chapters of my life left. I live, I write and now I've stopped writing......

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