Sisters Before Misters?

Nightmares

I've lost myself, well maybe not myself, but my happiness, my sanity, my trust, my strength.

I've lost everything.

Jackie included.

I'm not going to school ever again, I don't care anymore. It's too much pain to take every second of every minute of every hour of everyday.

And I can't take it anymore.

And I'm giving up.

I'm not letting the thoughts win, no, I'm going to pull through this.

..

*nightmare*

*Ha, you think you're going to win?! We will tear you apart until you're screaming to get rid of us!*

The thoughts have returned.

*You won't win, nope. You're too broken and not strong enough. Just give up already. There's no point in trying anymore!*

I scream, loud. But no sound comes out. I scream again, but there's no sound whatsoever.

I'm being sucked into a dark hole as I try to scream. Each time I try to call for help the thoughts drag me deeper and deeper. Just as I see flames, I wake up.

Sweating.

Panting.

I sit up and look around to get my surroundings. Chad has woken up and looks at me. He has been sleeping on the floor so I don't get sick. "Are you okay? What happened?" It takes me a moment to find the words. "I- uh- well- I... I had a nightmare. It was so real..."

"Well whatever happened, it won't. It's just a dream, Amanda. It's okay. Do you need me to get anything?"

Do I need anything? Yes.

"I need a hug. I need happiness. I need trust. I need sanity. I need strength. But you can't give that to me..."

"I can't. But I can try."

I appreciate that he's trying to help me gain happiness, trust, and strength at 3 in the morning, but we all know I'm unfixable.

"Chad, I appreciate that you're trying to help. But there's no use, Jackie's gone, and without her, I'm not me, not will I ever will be without her."

He sighs. He's trying to think about what to say. Eventually he can't think of anything, and I lay back down and pretend to fall asleep.

When in reality, I'm staring at my ceiling, wondering why everything's happening to me. Wondering why god chose me to break, and tear to pieces, and why he chose Jackie to commit suicide, and why he chose me to deal with the pain.

Because he made the wrong decision.

Just like my mom and dad did, they had me.

Just like Jackie did, on giving up.

Just like Chad did, on taking care of me.

Just like I did, trying to stay strong and pretend everything's okay.