Update on my life

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Okay so I'm just going to let out all of my feelings.

In 25 days I'm going to see shawn.

Every night I've been having anxiety about this and I have no idea why. I cry myself to sleep and it's pretty much unbearable.

I hate how I can't stop myself and that so many other people will meet him. I'm gonna try to meet him on the streets, but it won't happen.

I've gotten to love him so much that I would do anything to just look him in the eyes and tell him that he's my hero.

I sound cliche as fuck rn but idec anymore.

I'm jealous of the people on the floor, I'm going to admit. I hate myself for not having good enough seats for him to notice me.

And I hate myself for being like this. For crying myself to sleep every night. And I hate myself for wishing for something that's never going to happen. And I hate myself for wishing for him. Just him.

All of this is getting really bad and I want it to stop, but nobody seems to understand.

I'm glad I have somewhat of a chance of seeing him. I wrote a letter to him, explaining my life and how much he has helped me. And I just want a chance to give him that note so he can know the affects he had on me.

It sucks, you know? Loving someone so much but you know that you'll never see them face to face. Knowing that they won't be able to read your life story and see how they made you happy.

Crying yourself to sleep sucks, but it's something I do to let go of my emotions. All I need to think about is how happy shawn is in this point in his life, and I couldn't be any prouder.

- sel

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