March 14th 2014
Millions of girls all over the world would probably kill to be with the person I’m with, but I can’t help but feel like something awful is about to happen and that this is a bad thing. Either I was right; hell was about to be released on earth or it was just my highly developed paranoia kicking in.
I should’ve been happy.
I should’ve been grateful.
I should’ve been stronger.
But I wasn’t. I was letting everything I’d fought for slip through the cracks. My happiness and the people I cared about. Whatever I did, somebody got hurt – me, my friends, the people I loved, I was putting them in danger. I should’ve never let Niall into my life, I should’ve stuck by what I said to him when we met and he wouldn’t have to suffer through this.
He was only on the edge of this and could probably still walk away from it. I wouldn’t mind if it meant that he could be safe and happy. I’d rather be alone and him okay than be with him and put him in great danger. Who knew what my parents were capable of? No one.
Running my hands through my hair, I dragged myself downstairs and into the kitchen, grabbing a mug out of the wooden cupboard, I placed it into the coffee machine we’d recently bought and let it pour me a drink. No one else was home at the moment because my parents were at some conference in Manchester and my siblings were out at work or with their friends.
Just as I was about to grab my drink, I heard the door open and slam shut. My eyes wandered over to the door to see Kayla walk through the door and she was in quite a state, might I add. There were streaks of mascara down her face and her hair was messed up. My gut instinct was that this was boyfriend related. After she’d been told false lies about me and Will, the two of them had rekindled and she hadn’t mentioned it again – Such a relief - I couldn’t deal with any of that above my own boyfriend drama.
Kayla looked up and saw me standing there; her eyes met mine before she came through to the kitchen and threw her arms around me. I stumbled back, almost dropping my coffee in the process but luckily managed to put it down on the table. I hugged her back as she cried, ultimately confused.
My sister kept repeating the same thing. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
“Kayla, what, what happened?” I pulled away from the hug and she wiped a few tears away before slumping down onto a chair.
“You never kissed Will. He told me today what happened and that he lied.” She sniffed, turning to face me. “I’m so sorry for what I did to you Emilie. I’m so sorry, oh my gosh.”
“Calm down Kayla.” I handed her a tissue and she wiped her eyes and nose. “I’m glad you know the truth now though…”
“I should’ve known that he was lying. I was so stupid.” She sighed, standing up and pouring a glass of water, gulping it down in seconds. “I should’ve known you wouldn’t do that. We treat you awfully but you never do anything to hurt us so much.”
“Yeah…” I trailed off. “Revenge isn’t always the answer, Kayla. I just pick myself up and move on. Sometimes there are people in my life who care about me, sometimes there aren’t but I carry on. I try to be strong.”
“You are.” She says and I look up. She carries on. “You’re one of the strongest people ever, Emilie, to get through what you have to go through. You’re so strong.”
I inhale a breath of air, my body shaking at this subject. “Not always. Sometimes it gets to me and I let it. I try and see the positive side of things… even when there isn’t really a positive side. I don’t really have anyone to look up to for advice Kayla. Sometimes there is no one.”
“You still get through it though. It must be so difficult for you Em. There is barely anyone who cares for you but you still manage to get through it and to live.” She states.
“Fake smiles. I fake a smile and say ‘I’m fine’ to everyone who asks me if I’m okay. I never mean it though, never. I just… carry on.”
Talking to Kayla about my feelings seemed easy which was strange. This girl had loathed me for as long as I could remember but here she was, telling me that I was strong and that she was sorry. Part of me wanted to forgive her for it but the other part was reminding me of the horrible things she’d done and it was making it hard for me. Just talking to her was nice though. I hadn’t been able to confide in someone for a while and it was a good feeling to be able to tell someone how I truly felt.
“Here I am, crying over a boy.” Kayla laughed, scrunching the tissue up in her hand. “I’m so weak. Crying is weakness.”
“Kayla.” I said her name and she looked at me, biting her lip and waiting for me to continue. “Crying isn’t a sigh of weakness, it’s a sign that you’ve been strong for too long.” I recited what Niall had once told me and it made me feel better.
“Deep.” She chuckled.
“Someone once said that to me.” I smiled. “I think it’s true. Sometimes it’s nice to cry and it’s okay to let it all out. It’s not a bad thing and it doesn’t mean you’re weak.”
I truly did believe in that quote. It really was true. I’d held all of these feelings inside of me and kept them bottled up until one day I snapped and let them all out. I’d tried to be strong and not let anyone know how I really felt but when I did cry, it felt like it wasn’t bad.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” She questioned. “I’ve done so many horrible things to you but here you are, listening to me rant on and on. Why?”
“I guess… I’m a compassionate person. I know how you’re feeling and when all is said and done, you are still my sister, my family.” I reasoned, taking a sip of my drink. “Are you feeling any better?”
“I feel stupid for letting him manipulate me. I should’ve believed you.” She pursed her lips, looking down at the floor in a sorrowful manner. “I’ll survive.”
“Yes, you will.” I said. “You have people that care about you, Kayla. You have Mum, Dad, Jay, your friends. You’re not like me, I don’t have anyone.”
“You have Niall.” She said, looking up to meet my eyes again.
“I – I’m not really sure that I do.” I admitted, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. “I don’t know what to do, Kayla. I don’t want him to get hurt and I know that Mum and Dad are planning something to ruin my life or his. I’m putting him in danger.”
“They are planning something, Em. I know for a fact they are.” Kayla stood up and sighed. “I heard them the other night.”
“What are they going to do, Kayla?” My whole body trembled with worry and fear. I knew this was going to happen eventually.
“They’re trying to hurt him so that he’ll leave you. They don’t want you and him to be together and you wouldn’t back down so they’re attacking him now.”
“Why? Why do they hate me so much?” I asked, a stray tear escaping my eye. I hastily wiped it away. “What did I do that was wrong?”
“I don’t know, Em.” She said. “Are you crying?”
I felt so hopeless and so small. There was nothing I could do to stop this from happening. I was never going to be happy. I never understood what I did to deserve this shit. I’ve never done anything awful, nothing worse than what anyone else has done.
Kayla pulled me into a hug and wrapped her arms around my shaking body. “I’m so sorry, Emilie. This must be so hard for you.”
“Yeah, I care about Niall so much and if I stay with him, I’m going to end up hurting him. I don’t want to hurt him. What should I do?”
“You don’t just care about him Emilie; you’re in love with him.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, smiling a little. “I am completely in love with him.”
This is my favourite chapter so far. :)
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