Candy Canes, Cigarette Smoke And Coffee Shop

We all love Christmas. I mean,don't lie to yourself, we all expect a comely,brilliant harmony of lights blinking on a green beauty called Christmas tree. Moreover,we all know how much we want the Christmas presents! And what's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear Christmas presents? Right,Santa Claus. A jolly man with a huge bag of presents that comes every year to reward the good kids.Even though I'm already 15 and too big to believe in Santa..3 years from now, father who dressed up as a Christmas spirit giving man.. ruined our Christmas.

My father was a good man,I never thought something like this will ever happen to my family,but oh well, if Lord wanted it to happen, it was destined to be this way. The thing that made my father a bad man was something that took away my oldest brother and granddad from their families..the name to this catastrophe is alcohol. My family is of deep Christian beliefs, we were a religious family until my father began to fade away into emptiness of secrets he hid from my mother. Mom was always gullible, she always trusted Dad with everything. It was a big mistake she had done for all of us. I don't blame her, she didn't know what she was doing. My siblings on the other hand, my older sister and another brother who is a middle child at this moment, blame Mom for our loss. Dad provided us with money and warmth of his heart. He was not a bad husband nor he was a bad father, something just made him...made him confused in himself. Every single night and day I pray to the Lord,I want my father to find his way out of that trap he is in.

Every Christmas since that year, is just a regular day of the year,nothing special, absolutely no spark. My mother refuses to celebrate it, I understand why. Memories from last Christmas when our dad officially left us haunt her everywhere she goes. It is so tough for her, she blames herself for not giving us something every family should give their kids. Raja and Bernadette became so cruel, they've changed even before dad was gone. They changed when my oldest brother, Alvaro, left his wife and his 2 year old kid, 3 years ago.We haven't heard of him ever since.

They started following their own subcultures, Raja dyed his hair blue and shaved a piece of his temple on the right side of the head,the rest was about neck length. Got several ear piercings and pierced his tongue and lip. Once came back with a tattoo sleeve which completely shocked my mother. Spit on school like it was nothing, doesn't pick his butt off the chair in a principal's office which really shatters my mother. Bernadette is a whole another story, earned an honorable title of a school drama queen/heartbreaker. Doesn't get off her phone even on a minute,texting,calling,texting again. Her room is full of posters with cheesy boy bands like One Direction. As well is her room is full of men that she calls boyfriends. It's a new one every day. Dresses like she's going to a night club just to take out the trash and spends hours on her glittery heavy makeup. Bathroom is always busy with her.

And then I'm here, I'm like a third wheel on a bike,useless and pointless. I'm quiet, I never have a word in a family dinner conversation, no one ever listens to what I say. I'm not important, I'm just there to fill in some space. I'm only used as a helper or a slave. Chiyo do my homework,Chiyo wash the dishes,Chiyo walk the dog,Chiyo do this, do that. My mom never made me sad. All that was my siblings...my mother is just too weak to stand up to them. I am just regular,boring, normal.I'm not different, I have light brown long hair and green eyes, not too tall not too short. I like books and school. Yeah,I'm a nerd I guess,but hey,books and learning are the only things I'm good at. I'm not talented, not too pretty either,well compared to Bernadette which lots of people I know find gorgeous, I'm pretty ugly compared to her I guess. I'm like a gray mouse, barely anyone knows I exist and when I try to talk they consider it a squeak that they find necessary to ignore.

I'm insulted by Bernadette all the time for some reason, I don't know what I've done to her,but for some specific reason she doesn't like me at all. Raja is neutral to me, he's very rude on the outside,but I know that he's a kind boy on the inside. He's cold towards me, well that's how he acts, but I can see through his cold behavior that he loves me more than Bernadette does. He sometimes can come into my room in the middle of nowhere and just lay on my bed while I'm doing homework or watching TV. Sometimes looks through my book collection and scoffs every time he sees something hard to understand. I'm not like them, which makes me unique and weird in my own way. Maybe because I'm not rebellious and reckless they don't find me important. I'm just in my own little world, a world of imagination and fantasy. A world I call home.