War Against Sides

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I feel trapped. I feel like I can't be happy, like my life is controlled by those who "love" me. I actually laughed today; not one of those fake laughs that I do quite often. You know that laugh that said "really ...I'm ok" when really I mean "stop asking me about my life, you'll never understand. You'll judge me for the truth like so many have done before you." This wasn't one of those giggles that say "oh that joke you told was funny." No... this was a laugh of hysteria. One like a psycho bellows out right before playing his favorite game. 

I've been talking to myself inside my head... I don't even know who I am anymore...sometimes when I look into the mirror , I scare myself...who is that girl looking back at me...I don't recognize her... she's just some unfortunate broad that drew the short straw and got stuck with me. I feel like my life is being controlled by an unknown person. I feel like I am a character on that game The Sims... disposable... just used for money or work...they trick me into a room with a fireplace...no windows and soon no door... just a fireplace, me, and a trashcan. They convince me to start the fire saying, "it's a good idea you should do it just do it." I oblige ignorant to the fact, scheme, and true intentions. Soon the trashcan, which was too close to the fire, bursts into flames... "oh no," they say as if they care," you should stand closer... you should try to put it out "I try to put it out but soon I'm engulfed in the fiery pit of hell...burning to death...alone.... Captivated by my prison of my mind. They have the ability to save me... end my misery, but they just sit back and watch while their sides burn with laughter... they watch as I turn to ash... 

I am alone in a world full of people... never physically alone, but always alone. My life is controlled until my death. Until everything is gone from me but the story they will make up about who I was... but the controlling doesn't end there... they will control me even after death, where I should be laid to rest, how long people will mourn the "tragic loss of a good soul." 

If only they really knew me... hell if only I knew the real me. I wonder where she went, and if I knew, I could ask her why she left; of course I probably already know the answer.... I mean if you had the choice, would you stay and be controlled until you seep from the minds of those just wanted an excuse to start crying and stop when it becomes inconvenient. They wonder "why do the good die young" when in all actuality, those who mourned for attention were the slave drivers who drove me to my endless pit of self-pity and doom... they are the hammer that drove me to be trapped in my endless and depthless quarry of insanity. 

I've known for a long time that I wasn't like everyone else... I don't dream like everyone else. I don't have a conscience... I have voices... they tell me to do bad things. I have ignored them for so very long. The more they speak of paradise, the more I crave the wrong they speak of.... It would be so much easier to just let go along with what they think I would enjoy. The sweet release of death... but no... I should have to suffer this everlasting imprisonment, for you see, I deserve it. I deserve to suffer. I'm not worthy of the easy way out... 

When can I control myself without someone inside of me contemplating my next move? Why can't I just live... or die... and everything would just be ok. I don't understand why everything I do has to be controlled by someone who "only wants the best" for me. I think by now, since I'm 17 years old and I haven't screwed up my life completely to hell that maybe I'm smart enough to make my own decisions. 

Maybe they are right and I'm just stupid to breathe on my own without some sort of intersection telling me what to do. Maybe I need to be controlled. Maybe if I live to their standards and live the life they tell me that I have to live, I would be better off... maybe... 

We left the house in early morning. Our road was way more crowded than it normally is. You could practically feel the excitement and fear in the air ....but there is something else... 

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