I tried to sleep. I really did. But I couldn't stop thinking about how much I fucked up. I cant fucking learn from my mistakes can I? I just want to protect her from all of this shit. I want to make it go away. I'm tired of feeling nothing. All this OxyShit does is numb my body to the point of immobility.
I'm tired of feeling numb. I'm tired of making mistakes. I'm tired of not learning from those mistakes. I'm tired of being addicted. I'm tired of......living.
No. Don't say that. You love life and everything in it. Especially Ariel. You love Ariel.
Do I really love Ariel? No, I don't mean that. You can't love someone if they don't feel the same...right?
I remember a long time ago we did. It was the night she had a nightmare. We told each other we loved each other. We loved each other.
I woke up the next morning on the floor. While I rubbed my eyes, I noticed that they were crusty from tears. Did I have a nightmare? I don't remember anything from it so I guess it couldn't have been that bad.
I got up and decided to get some breakfast. As I walk to the kitchen I noticed small pieces of glass on the counters and floors. Nothing big. But there. Ariel walked in and saw me staring at the glass in curiosity. How did this get there?
"Hey, morning Adam."
"Ariel, whats this mess from?"
"That's from you." She didn't sugar coat a damn thing when she said that.
All of a sudden I became overwhelmingly sad and couldn't control my thoughts. Did I really do this? No. There is no way that I did this. I looked at Ariel, who was leaning on the stove, then looked down at my hands. I saw small cuts and little smears of blood.
I really did do this.
I looked back up at Ariel and felt a pounding in my head. Constant ringing and pounding.
I couldn't have.
What if I hurt Ariel?
What if I hurt myself worse next time?
No. There can't be a next time. This has to stop.
Just then, I realized that I had something bottled inside of me for too long and needed to let it loose.
Should I even be allowed to live?
Do I deserve Ariel?
Will I just hurt everyone around me?
Who will care if I die?
I'm sure everyone will feel safer.
I am sure they will forget.
"Adam!" it was Ariel. She was crying. What do I keep doing to make her upset? I always make her cry.
"Adam, stop!" she rapped her arms around mine and tried to contain me.
All of a sudden, I the energy I spent raging caught up to me and I fell to the ground. I was too tired to stand on own two feet. Or even to talk for that matter. I shouldn't be given that right either.
"Please, look at me." she pleaded. I gave in. as I looked up, I noticed her wrists again. Fresher cuts occupied her porcelain wrists. My heart sank to the bottom of the ocean just then. I have caused her so much pain.
Too much pain.
I never meant for this to happen.
This was all just a mistake.
Aright guys, I feel like I owe an apology. I really love all of you who wait for my updates, or who are just pain reading the book.
Either way, I know I have not been on for a while and it is because of some serious personal shit. Let's just say....life has been a bitch lately. My mood may have effected my writing, sorry if it has. I've just been in this dark tunnel lately, and I haven't found the light yet....but I'm sure I will eventually. If you are still reading this, thanks, it really means a lot to me.