December 17th, 2009
I decided to go back to school that day, even though I was sick as hell. I surely had a cold, from staying outside all night long. I was coughing a lot, but I told myself that it was nothing. Just the results of my stupidity. I knew that I was disturbing the people in class but, anyway, it was soon to be Christmas break so the teachers wasn't telling us important stuff. They knew that no one was listening.
I was at my locker during lunch time, sitting in front of it. I had my lunch next to me, but I couldn't eat a thing. I wasn't hungry and my stomach wanted me to throw up just with the thought of eating. So I was there, listening to some music, my head lying on the wall and my eyes closed. My fingers were lying on my wrist, rubbing against my cuts. I was lucky I had the butterflies. I was feeling bad again, it was the only thing keeping me from self-harming again.
At about the middle of the lunch time, I felt someone sitting next to me. I automatically put both of my hands on my knees, before opening one eye to see who it was. His hand ran in his curly hair and he gave me a shy smile.
- Hey... I said back, weakly.
- Where were you yesterday ?
I started to cough and he smiled, he had understood.
- Sad thing to be sick, isn't it ?
I couldn't say more, I wasn't feeling like talking. Even to him. I just wanted to sleep. Sleep forever. This thought was seriously starting to run in my mind and I was just trying to push it away. Waliyha needed me. She needed me for the house and stuff. That's what I was telling myself. Until I felt someone pushing my shoulder and I realized that I wasn't alone, now.
- Hey, Earth to Zayn, everything's okay ?
- Yeah, just tired...
- You're sure ?
He looked at me like he really cared and I gave him a small smile, trying to convince him. And maybe to convinced myself as well. He did believe me, but I couldn't. I wasn't dumb, I knew that I wasn't just tired.
- Yeah, sure...
- Don't worry about me.
I didn't wanted anyone to worry about me. I wasn't worth that. I get back on my feet and tossed my lunch into my locker, before closing the door. I put my bag on my shoulder and left Mark there. I wasn't feeling like having his pity or something. I just wanted to... I didn't knew back then what I wanted. Maybe just to go away and to forget how bad my life was. How bad I made it. Because it was all my fault and I knew it. I walked up to the library of the school, sitting there for the rest for the lunch time. I was just sitting at a table, staring in front of me. Just to avoid people. I wasn't good at trying to get better.
So, what are you guys thinking about this ? I don't like it, but... Well. I'm trying my hardest, that's what counts, isn't it ?