So, firstly. you lost a LEGION to an ATTACK? LIke, if his army will be destroyed by a simple attack, then how can he have any power? I would alter it so there's more details. Because, really, these guys sound worse than when the stormtroopers invaded Endor and were wiped out by tiny cuddly bears named Ewoks. At the moment, not much else is bad. Oh yeah, puny elves? He's 13....I'm 16 years old and I'm tall for my age and I have to look up to see an elf (six feet tall.) is this kid on steroids? Or does his dream make him a giant?
Star, astronomy, Selena Gomez. Haha. That isn't bad but I nearly stopped reading because I don't like Selena Gomez. That would have been a great chance to make a pun though. NO. STOP YOUR STORY. GET RID OF BFF! YOU SOUND LIKE A TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL! If I wasn't critiquing it, I would throw the story away because of BFF! Leave it as best friend, trust me, sounding like a 12 year old when you write a story is never good unless your audience is less than that age. Also, why do You have so many Capital Letters for words like Astronomy and Cooking? Not every other Noun needs to be Capitalized. The words are astronomy and cooking, not Astronomy and Cooking (I just believe in proper upper case letters). I do like the water burning part but that's probably because I've heard of that happening in my old school. What's with the *evil laugh* thing? You role playing now? You don't do that. Just say that evil thoughts started coming up. You don't role play your character in your story unless it's a role play story, which this is not. Get rid of the anyway in the next paragraph, it's not really needed. Move the paragraph about her essay in 12 hours up where her friend left, it'll condense the story a bit and make it nicer. And who would worry about an essay that's due in 12 hours? It's FIVE paragraphs. I can do that much in half an hour to an hour. And thinking back about it, who has a favourite star? Do they just randomly pick stars? Like 'OOOOOOOOOh, I like that star, it's my favourite now!' Again with the one sentence paragraphs, expand the paragraphs and condense the five different paragraphs into one paragraph, it's really annoying when people do that. Paragraphs are meant for big changes but not large ones. And laptops...wizards....? They now are caught up with technology? But what happened to textbooks and mispronunciation of Wingardium Leviosa? Wait, these are American wizards. Obvious overexaggerations hurt like stab wounds. I would say a week for the four paragraph paper, because, right now I'm hating your main character for being stupid. Why does Ciara keep flipping her hair? Does she have head twitches? Your characters are getting a little annoying. And why does the dorm have one bathroom? Last time I checked, dorms have more than two people so there needs to be multiple bathrooms.
How is this building (building? castle? house? There's like 5 people, it could be a house) be 10 stories tall? I need some ideas on this building or else it's just a really tall house. Again with your tiny paragraphs. Using magic is more simple than speaking? Why not just sit there and wait for the medical person to come and shoo her away?
"There are times when boys *cough cough*" no. Use brackets. Brackets are nice. Not asterisks. Use slightly or another synonym instead of kind of. And your tiny paragraphs! Describe Matthew because she's the one who sounds childish just calling poor Matthew all those names. We need details. She's not popular but a quarter of the school knows her? Does this school have 100 people in it? How do you partner with the person on your right if that person is partnering with the partner on their right? Just say every second person partners with the person on their left. Fancy American wizards and their fancy American techonology of intercoms. How do you convince the door? Your chapters aren't particularily long so add details to make people attach onto the story or else it's just "I walked. I opened the door." instead of "I walked down the flat meadow of flowers that shone in every colour. At the end of the meadow there was a giant wooden door that I pushed with all of my might to open."
I'm going to keep going back to paragraphs and details. You're very lacking. Longer than Ciara's hair...cool? Note that nobody knows how long Ciara's hair is because there's no mention to it before except for the candy in it. "Well reowr?" is this just a giant diary...? And why are THESE three chosen to go? Harry was boy of prophecy. Bilbo found the ring and Gandalf knew of his potential. Frodo was given the ring. Tungdil (The Dwarves) is son of the Fifthling King sent to live amongst men. WE NEED REASONS. You shouldn't use CAPS LOCK when emphasising. Italics, bolding, underlining, all work just fine. And that was all the details of the quest? Does she email them later? (Haha American wizard jokes).
We still need to know details. Did you not know about the portrait or just that it played? Why didn't you know about it? Are you first years? If you are, then we need to know. And why would they have been chosen? You expect us to know but you have plot holes. It's a good plot so far, just hard to understand some things. "You each get three weapons, a long range, short range light, short heavy." what if they can only carry two? What if they want a shield? Why does it have to be three? Is this a test? It's his best weapon (meaning the chain)? So they've had practice? Matthew sounds like a pansey and your girls sound like they're war-hardened soldiers. I'm worried. "You should know your armour size" so they are trained!? And guys and girls would have the same armour unless the girls' armour shows off their chest. Or does it change based off of gender? But they were given the same instructions...so I'm going with my first theory. "Unfortunately you do not get dragons" these American wizards have dragons in their backyards!? Wouldn't the dragons kill them? Why do they need dresses and suits....? Is there a prom? Portable smithing equipment.....these American wizards are confusing. I still think she's like 13 but 17 and a smith now? Can't they just use their bags to carry the heavy stuff? That sounds like a good idea to me.
It's so, not soooooo. Unless this is the diary thing? And you only need one exclamation mark after etcetera (etc.). You heard SNAKES AND BEARS AND WOLVES IN A DAY? This is like a less magical Hogwarts (meaning that if you leave, you could easily be killed by normal animals). Why'd she take the weapons? Is she planning a fireworks show? Brilliant idea in a forest. Sabertooth tigers? So they're in 5309BC during the ice age? "Ciara was like..." so back to the 12 year old girl, not a good thing in stories. The tiger FINALLY decided to jump, was it just watching them argue it out over it's name? Seriously? Get rid of finally or it sounds like it waited an hour. So he likes her because he saved her life? Why doesn't Ciara do anything instead of COOING OVER THEIR "love"!? 'Oh, there's a giant tiger with venom and horns, let's argue about it's name then coo over love." Yes, scream that the tiger's coming back, that will help you so much. "It wasn't the sharpest monster" yet it almost killed all three of your main characters.
No "two words: dead-ly" thing. Just no. And why are there so many mutants? American wizards with their animals.
At the moment, the plot is 7 and the total reaches 6. You need details and explanations. Once you hit those (and the other corrections), you can reach an 8 or greater.