SAUDADE || ANTOINE GRIEZMANN ✔

4. Antoine

Alright, I know I shouldn’t be this happy. I’m going to miss the next football game that can bring our school to youth national championship title because of the sprain in my ankle earlier on today’s training. But seeing Sophie helped me to set my locker and gave her shoulder to help me walked out from school, I have never been so happy when I’m injured.

On the way of bus stop this afternoon, I couldn’t help but smile like an idiot. Deep inside my heart, I was jumping and shouting cheerfully ‘she still cares to me!!!’ kind of that. I’m an idiot for letting her go.

I put my arms around her shoulder and I can see she treats me so carefully, we walk slowly through the bus stop that I hope will be so far away because I want to enjoy this moment a bit longer. Honestly, I miss her very much, I missed to walk next to her like this and when we’re this close, I can smell apple and jasmine of her cologne, the smells I missed and like so much, so Sophie.

Turns out, she isn’t only walked me through the bus stop but also through my front door, however I know, our home is placed on the opposite way. And I felt a bit disappointed when I saw my front door, meaning that this is when I said goodbye to her, right?

“Thank you for walking me home.” I said, try to hold her as long as possible. “Do you want to come in? My Mother has been asking about you lately.”

Sophie exhales then shakes her head. “No, it’s kinda late, and I need to go home.” And I felt a slightly disappointed when she said no, she’s really pulled out herself from me, isn’t she? “Alright, get well soon, bye Antoine.” she turns around and walks away. Leaving me who still standing at my front door alone, staring at her back which slowly far and far away until she’s disappeared at the end of the crossroad.

****

There’s nothing much happened in my senior year, we’re study lots, going through a test, then studying over and over again to face the final exam. Meanwhile about me and Sophie, I thought after that night she walked me home, we will be better. In fact, it is not, our relationship is still as cold as ice and we barely talked however right now she never avoided me again when we’re accidentally crossed through the school hallway. But still, it hurts when someone that used to be dear to you, becoming a complete stranger to you right now.

At the end of December, school was off for two weeks. It’s winter, Christmas and New Year. Yeah, however for me, there isn’t much different because our teacher gave us so much homework, they said practice will be very good to us to facing the final exam. They don’t know that basically, their lesson at school is enough to make my head is burning. And now they gave us so much homework when our brain is should be rest for Christmas and New Year holiday? That’s not really fair.

I can’t wait to graduate from school. Once, me and Sophie are planning to go to Madrid when we’re graduate later. She will be in college whilst I will try to entering Atletico Madrid football academy. But right now, I don’t even sure she still remembered our crazy plan.

****

My brain is stuck when I decided to walked out from home, going to the café I used to go with Sophie. I missed their hot chocolate and I don’t know is this coincidence, destiny or luck, when I saw Sophie was sitting on the corner of the table all by herself.

I brave myself to approach her and smile to greet her. “Can I sit here?” I asked and really hope that she’s not waiting for anybody.

Sophie nods and I sit in front of her with a mug of hot chocolate that I hold. “You’re alone?” I asked and frowned. Damn, you’re so lame, Antoine.

“Yeah.” She answered and took a sip of her caramel macchiato.

I looked around, tried to create our nostalgic moment between us in this place. “Do you remember this place? We’re used to go here, before Christmas holiday and we always spent all day long to drink hot chocolate and ate some cakes.”

She smiles. “Yes, how can I forget that?”

And then we’re remains silent, damn, I hate this awkward moment like this. Why the iceberg between us hasn’t melted yet? Honestly, I hate to saw Sophie seemed so strong and so usual when we’re over, while I had to hold myself to not missed her every single day or jealous to anyone who managed her to laugh or tried to not overthought about her while my mind was full of her images.

Soph, is there’s nothing love left from me in your heart? Just a little? Actually I want to ask that, but I’m just too scared to hear her answer.

“Everyone is talking about prom right now however we don’t even face the final exam yet.” I said, half is a sign that I will ask her to go to prom with me, at least that is my last chance.

“Yeah, they’re bit fussy about prom.” She responded.

“How about you? Have you ready to go to prom?”

Sophie smiles and shakes her head. “I think I’m not going.” she said. Is that a sign that there’s no one asking her to go to prom yet?

“Why? We can go together.” Yeah, I curse my tongue which spoke directly and frankly, I clear my throat. “I mean if you want it too.” I made a correction.

Sophie looks at me then smile weakly, I don’t know why, but anything wrong with that smile. “I will be happy to go with you, but I will arrange my movement even before prom. Xabi found a place to me in London, I’ll move there.”

Suddenly the air feel so thin around me, like I was suffocated and my chest is hurt so bad. London? Move? Then what about us? What about our plan to go to Madrid? “You’ll leaving the city?” I can’t hide surprise looked on my face.

She cupped her palms to her cup barely saw my face. “Yeah, I think I want to go to London for my next education. Try to far from home, try to be independence. Xabi will move to Madrid in the middle of the year, so I really live by myself in England.”

“But, in England?” I said again, as if England is so far away and in the other part of planet than Earth. I can’t expect that she will leave. “Then what about us?”

Sophie looks confused. “Us?”

I don’t care anymore what was in her thought when I reached her hand and hold it tight. “Soph, I don’t want you to leave. You know what? I was stupid, all of this time, it was me, who can be without you. Why can’t we get back together? And that question is really drive me crazy.” I burst out my words, take a deep breath and exhales, try to calm myself. “I still love you, Soph. Please, can we go back like we used to be?”

Sophie looks at me and then looked down to her mug again. “Antoine, do you know that I really hope your last word? And how much I want to go back to you?” Really? Does that mean we can be together again? I don’t mind if we must have a long distance relationship as long as we’re back together. London isn’t that far.

“But…” and that word made me freeze. “We will hurt each other again if we’re force ourselves to be together again. Do you know? I believe everything has its times, even sadly our relationship.” She exhales a deep breath. “We can be together without hurting each other instead of loving each other. That’s our pattern, sometimes I think, it is the best to us, you know? Maybe someday we’ll just go cross the street as strangers who don’t recognize each other.”

“Why are you saying that? Do you really already forgetting me? Forgetting us?”

Sophie shakes her head and starts to cry. “How can I forgetting you?” her teary eyes make me felt torn apart. “Everything will be alright Antoine, after this, everything will be alright, I promise you.” She tries to wipe her tears.

I stretch out my hand and wipe her tears with my thumb. My heart is broken to saw her crying and when she said that we will never ever getting back together.

****

She allows me to embrace and kiss her in front of our favorite café. I was hoping that this hug and kiss can change her mind and all her decision to leaving here, and leaving our memories together but seems like there’s no one could change her mind. Not even me.

We’re saying goodbye after that and walk through separating ways. I still look at her back moving away, like never turned back just to saw me, and then I went home with my upside down feeling.