Sisters Before Misters?

Thoughts

I wake up to a stiff neck and back. It's 1:27pm 3 weeks after the betrayal and heart break. I still haven't eaten or drank anything yet. My stomach growls for the first time, and it's the first feeling I've felt for awhile.

I sit up, and I feel so much aches everywhere, it's unbearable. I finally stand up, walk over to the bathroom, and look into the mirror.

And I don't like what I see, whatsoever.

I don't see Amanda Evans. Not at all. I see someone whose heart has been thrown onto the ground, stomped on, ran over, and ripped apart. I see someone who can't trust anyone, anymore.

My hair is matted beyond repair. And the dark circles identify the amount of sleep I have gotten. I look down at my stomach. I lost weight.

A lot of weight.

Too much weight.

Then I start to think. Which never turns out well as it is, and I think an awful thought.

Maybe I should just fade away just like my stomach.

No one seems to care about me anyway, all I get is heart break and betrayal every time I try to trust someone.

I saunter back to bed and sit down. What was I just thinking about?

Was I... Was I thinking about suicide?

Am I that deep into depression?

I shake my head , as if to shake the bad thoughts away. I sigh loudly. I bend over to grab my heating pad, and plug it in. I turn it on lay down on my back, and turn my phone back on. Stupid I know.

There's another message from Jackie.

*Amanda, hear me out. I love you more than anything. You're my world. My everything. I've been clueless and lost without you in my life. I lost my smile, my laugh, my appetite. I would go to school but I would always end up leaving early because of the pain I would feel without you there. I figured you didn't need me anymore... Since you haven't answered my messages or my calls. I thought as if I was only messing your life up, and hurting you. Just know I did what I did to help you, not make you feel more pain. I didn't mean to do it. I wasn't thinking at the time, but I was thinking about you. Amanda, this is the hardest thing I can say to you, but I committed suicide. I wrote this before I left so you weren't worried, if you were I apologize. I'm sorry for the hell I put you through. I'm sorry for everything I didn't have the chance to say sorry for. I'm in a better place now. I don't have to worry about hurting you anymore or betraying you. I'm a lost cause. And I only made your life worse. I love you Amanda , I always will. That's why I did this. Because I love you.*

I reread the message at least 5 times. Each time I feel a harder ping of pain. Each time the reality sinks deeper and deeper. She's gone. Jackie's gone, and she's never coming back. Ever again.

I feel so numb , so lost , so broken. If I didn't ignore her messages , she wouldn't have done this. If she knew I at least read them she would've held on for a little longer.

~I did this for you~

No.

No.

NO.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm done.

I throw my phone against the wall, in hopes it cracks and breaks. I mentally slap myself because if that phone breaks , I won't have a trace of Jackie left.

I cry for hour and hours on end. I don't stop crying. It feels fine to cry to be honest, it's better than the pain I would feel if I wasn't crying.

That last piece of happiness, that hidden piece, has now been shattered. Along with the small piece of me I call my heart. Along with the small piece of sanity that was with my brain.

I'm

Broken

Into

Millions

Of

Tiny

Pieces.

And there's no gluing them back together.

Ever.