C r u s h

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Every time I listened to a romantic song, I thought about you, Ryan. I had been crushing on you since ninth grade and I still remember the very first time you walked into our classroom. Your eyes scanned for an empty seat and you found one right next to me. I couldn't muster up the courage to talk to you, to ask you if you needed help with anything. How could I? I was never good at initiating things.


Time passed. Fast-forward two years, you became friends with the 'cool kids', and you also made a good reputation among the teachers. You became our school's golden boy, but I stayed where I had been, at the bottom of the food chain. Ryan, I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to get close to you, just like your other friends were, but I also knew I could never do that. In a nutshell, I was obsessed with the idea of being closer to you and at the point of time in my life, I could have done practically anything to get your attention.


The first time we actually talked was when you came at our drug store and asked for a pack of advil. My dad was arranging some stuff at the back and for that while, I was standing behind the counter, and then out of nowhere, our glass door swung open and you walked in. My eyes widened when I saw you standing right in front me, and I instantly noticed the bags under your eyes, and it seemed as if you hadn't been sleeping properly for the last few days.

Your eyes met mine and I swear I staggered back a step. I don't have words to describe your eye color, a beautiful hue of blue and green, a color that makes you wonder whether it is bluish green or greenish blue. Let me get this straight, Ryan, your eyes enchanted me and my crush got even more intense than it had been before.

"Can I get a pack of advil?" you said, your index finger reaching up to massage your temple.

I nodded. "Sure, Ryan."

Immediately, you frowned at me, and why not, you didn't even have the idea that we had been going to the same school for the past three years.

"We go to the same school. I'm in your math and chemistry class," I said, my lips pressed in a thin line.

"Oh."

That was the only conversation we had that day. You paid, took the receipt and went away too quickly for me to even get a glimpse of you.

I sighed as I watched you walk away. A lump formed in my throat, and I blinked back my tears. Ryan Williams, my fucking crush, didn't even know my fucking name. It felt as if someone had just pushed me down from a skyscraper. How could you not know me?

A few days later, I finally got over everything. I had to.


You never noticed me when I used to gaze at you in math class. Instead of keeping my focus on trigonometry, I focused all my attention on you, Ryan, and maybe that's the reason I got a C in math while, I got A's in every other subject, and oh, let's not forget that B I got in chemistry. You didn't notice the way I would sneak glances  at you while you practiced soccer with your teammates. Hell, Ryan, you never noticed anything. Never.


However, two weeks later, rumors went around that you slept with Beth, the captain of the girls' volleyball team, and then dumped her a week later. I didn't believe those fake rumors, because Beth didn't have a good reputation when it came to boys, and on top of that, she never had a steady relationship with anyone. I believed that she was just trying to create a negative image of you, and I despised her for that.

Oh, and did I tell you, Ryan, that I had been stalking you on Instagram for quite a while now. I'm not sure if stalking is the right word when you somehow get to know almost everything about the happenings in someone's day-to-day life. Stalker is such a negative word, Ryan, and let's just not call me that, okay.

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