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It was as if time was slowly closing in on me. I was attempting to prepare myself for the future held ahead of me, but my heart would not stop beating out of control. My head would not stop the incessant pounding. My nerves were out of control.

So I guess this is what it feels like to be a bride.

I hated all the emotions running through me. On top of it all, I hated the fear that ran down my spine. I couldn't escape from any of it as it was always around the corner. Needless to say, I was having an anxiety attack.

Lord, help me now.

"The makeup artist is not here yet," Bo-mi worriedly told my mother. "She is stuck in traffic."

Mother, despite her petite image, was an enraged monster. "Traffic?! Does that decipher my daughter's wedding?!" She slammed a hand on the dresser vanity, startling me. "What can we do now?"

Bo-mi looked to me, eyeing my bare face as ideas ran through her head. "I can do her makeup. Just make sure everything else is prepared."

Mother nodded. "Good, good. Jae's mother and I will take care of checking the table-wear." She leaned down to kiss my cheek. "Behave and let Bo-mi do your makeup."

"Ye, mom." (Yes)

I watched her through the mirror as she quickly left. The minute the door closed behind her, I stood up and face my best friend with fierce eyes. "I'm terrified," I tell her. "So let's get this over with and you can be my bride."

She grinned. "Bridesmaid, but either way." She picked the makeup palates off the dresser and scouted out the supplies she would need. "After this, go squeeze your tiny butt into the dress."

She grabbed a few materials and some brushes before setting me back down. Immediately, she began to dab onto my face with cold liquids and fuzzy brushes. Bo-mi took her time to make it seem more natural and beautiful than smokey-as she always had done.

"You look so pretty," I whispered to her as she lined dark streaks onto my eyelids. The image of her in the pink slim dress popped into my mind, making me smile. "Your hair curled and pinned up looks cute."

Bo-mi laughed. "You can't even see me."

"But I did!' I protested, pouting my lips. "You looked cute."

"Thanks, Lil. You look gorgeous yourself." She didn't stop adding things onto my face until twenty minutes passed. Soon, both my mothers filed into the room to help me into my dress. Bo-mi attached the light veil to my hair bun and tied the white ribbon around my waist.

"Beautiful!" Bo-mi cheered as she stared at me in the dress. "It's so white!"

It really was. It was the color of snow, with white gems at the neckline and a laced ribbon below my chest. The dress was off-the-shoulders and allowed the cold air to nip at my bare shoulders. My toes weren't cold, though, as the long dress covered it similar to a ballgown.

Mrs. Bak smiled happily at me with misty eyes. She lifted her traditional Korean hanbok dress in her hands and took a step closer to me. "You look wonderful, dear."

I smiled. "Thank you."

My feet slipped into the white heals provided for me. I could feel the heat behind my neck as the time ticked away the minutes until the wedding started. Guests were already starting to come in, creating loud sounds to drown out my thoughts. I was breathing heavily and clenching my eyes shut tight.

"I am so not ready for this," I mumbled under my breath, glancing into the mirror to see myself. Even I didn't recognize me in this mature form. I had to look away, afraid that I would be too distracted and forget what I was suppose to say later.

"Lilla," Bo-mi called. "You still have an hour. Relax. Jae isn't even here yet."

Mother's ears perked at the sound of her son-in-laws name. "What? He isn't here?" She turned to Mrs. Bak with a frown. "Where is Jae-won?"

"With his father, why?"

I sighed. "He better be here soon. I am not walking down the aisle with no one at the end." I made a face as I thought of it. "I would have to do the korean traditions by myself!"

"Wait," Bo-mi quickly tried to calm me. "I don't believe you guys are doing all the traditions. You aren't a true married couple." Her calming method was to change the subjects, not helping me.

Mother rolled her eyes. "They don't know that," she whispered harshly, pointing outside the room to people coming in. "It's real to them!"

"What about dad's side? They don't know that stuff." I queried, knowing his family would have difficulty understanding the customs.

"You will just have to do it. Jae has more family, anyway."

I frowned, letting my shoulders drop as I thought about how many people I would have to bow for. "Oh, my poor legs will be sore." My eyes met my best friend's. "I am not good at catching things either."

"Oh my!" Mom suddenly gasped. "We are suppose to great the guests!" Her eyes grew wide as the thought crossed her mind. She grabbed onto Mrs. Bak and pulled her away.

Bo-mi shook her head as she watched the mom's leave. "It's so weird colliding American and Korean weddings. American ones take forever, too."

I nodded. "That's why the bridesmaid is the MC. So you make a quick speech, we eat, we bow, we go home."

It took awhile of frustration and waiting, but the time had finally come. Unlike weddings I had always saw on television, the walk to my husband was short and the music was not there. Instead, I was pushed along to quickly say my peace.

"I now pronounce you, husband and wife."

Well crap, I wasn't paying attention.

I lightly smiled at Jae-won from embarrassment. I realized a bit late that I barely looked at him, my head wrapped around thoughts of anxiety I was too busy to feel.

"You may now kiss the bride."


가슴은 뛰고 있어
여전히 널 보고 있어
자꾸만 숨이 막혀서

아직은 멀리에서
너를 지켜보고 싶어
내가 또 왜 이러는지
My heart is racing
I’m still looking at you
Because I keep running out of breath

I’m still watching over you
From far away
Why am I being like this?

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