Pain is inevitable.
Good parents try to save their child from pain. Whether from physical, or emotional.
But is this helpful to the child, or more chaotic?
I mean eventually the child will grow up, and learn.
You will fall, you'll get hurt. People aren't always good, If they even ever are.
Perhaps if our parents had explained to us at a young age, what pain is. How much it can take from you, and give to you. Maybe, just maybe this world could understand something greater.
If betrayal, sickness, and death had been explained to me at a younger age, perhaps the outcome of my pain would be more tolerable; Because it was more expected.
But, that has never been the case, for me at least.
And I'm not blaming my parents for my response to any of these things. In the end, this is all me. But if they could do the whole raising a child again, if I was given the chance to be a big sister. I'd warn, and prepare them, giving advise. Saying," prepare your child. Explain that this world, this life, well, it owes you nothing. And it gives you little. But in the end, you have to decide if it was worth it." For me? Was it worth it? Well, it depends on the day, and circumstances. Though mostly, I'd say no. It's not enough. But, maybe I'm just emotionally unequipped for this life. I remember a time where I was kind, and trusting. Then this world corrupted these childish abilities.
Now I'm harsh, and closed off.
The walls that were created by concrete circumstances are too toned to break through.
But this barrier is both protection and prison. Free from the dangers of betrayal, and chained by the unrelease of my secrets.
To be honest, I never imagined my life would end up here. But, as I look back, my whole life has led me to this moment.
And although I'm still undecided, I can't help but feel like I'm already bleeding out. The pull to stay alive, has been draining for awhile. And I hardly feel the need, and responsibility to my life, and those in it.
I use to find safety in the fact that I cared for the people In my life, I cared about the effect it would be on them, if I were to go, in a self induced death. But now? That love for them has slowly fallen apart. I still care, obviously, I'm not dead inside.
I just know now, that they can and will get past it. Past me. I suppose I use to be a bit self involved. That people counted on my life. Needed me. Now I see that most people need me, but not in the ways I accounted them for.
Used. I've been used. And maybe it was my fault. No, it is my fault.
I mostly allowed myself to get pulled into unhealthy relationships. I gave those in my life, the things, the attention they needed. And people with their already programmed selfish nature didn't see the damage it did to me. And though I don't blame them. In a way, I also manipulated them. Sometimes unpurposely, and purposefully.
It's my fault.
Though back then, I didn't see it that way. I didn't know it would lead down this violent path.
Yet here I am. Pills, bullets, knifes. All a way out. A perfect solution to all my problems. An end. But a permanent one.
This isn't a game, I can't reload a new life. If I end it, that's it. And though I long for this specific release, it isn't without difficulty that I make this choice. If this is the choice I end up making.
I suppose this is my letter.
My suicide letter.
This won't be one of those," oh I'm so sorry" suicide letters. At this point in the road, I'm done with the guilt, and the responsibility to my "loved" ones.
I do however, want you all to know. My love for you never wavered. If you read this, then that love didn't outweigh the negative emotions and thoughts.
There is a big part of me that want to explain every aspect, and every reason that led to my death.
But one, that would take too long.
And two, I can't lay that kind of blame kind guilt on the responsible parties.
And all in the end, it was my reactions and choices that ultimately killed me. So, there really is no point, in explaining every reasoning.
I guess all in the end, I want all of you to know, I love you.
And none of it was your fault.
Just an over emotional state of mind.
And I guess, I am a little sorry.
