Ifs and... Never Mind
One of the happiest moments of my life was when I realized I was about to be abducted by aliens. I was lying on my back in a field that didn't belong to me, drunk and staring at the stars in despair. I know how it sounds, but it was November of 2016, and that kind of thing was happening to a lot of us. It was about three in the morning and I was almost out of gin when the circle of lights appeared above me. There was a beam of blinding light, and I felt myself being lifted from the ground.
"Thank you, oh intellectually superior alien beings!" I shouted as I rose slowly through the air. "Take me to the technological paradise from which you came, and let me partake of your intergalactic wisdom and learn where we primitive earthlings have gone wrong!" I thought about this for a moment. "Hell, I don't care if you probe me or keep me in a space zoo, as long as you get me out of here!"
I awoke in a circular chamber with gleaming white walls. The floor was gleaming white as well, and the light seemed to radiate gently from every surface; it looked like an operating theater designed by Apple. I was probably going to get probed, I realized, but there was comfort in the thought of making a contribution to alien science.
There was a satisfying swoosh noise, and an opening appeared in the wall. Two creatures glided towards me. They looked a lot like the stereotypical green alien you see on merchandise in head shops: big dark eyes, smooth neon skin, skinny bodies with disproportionately large crania.
"Greetings," I said. "I am honored to meet you, and to be allowed aboard your vessel. Might I ask what your purpose is in coming to our planet? Assuming, of course, that you aren't here to annihilate us or use us as a food source, I would be delighted to assist your endeavors in any way that I can."
"Dude," said the one on the left. "You use big words."
I stared at them for a moment, feeling suddenly very, very sober. It occurred to me that the aliens had probably learned English from our broadcasts, and had a skewed understanding of our language and culture. I tried again. "Why are you here?"
"Butts," said the one on the right. "Earth is, like, full of butts."
"Butts rule," said Lefty.
"Aren't there any, um, butts where you come from?"
"Yeah, but it's like only one kind. We used to have all these animals and shit, but now they're all, like, gone."
"Extinct?" I said. "What happened to them?"
The aliens shrugged, which was surprising, as they didn't have much in the way of shoulders. "I guess our ancestors kept doing shit, and then everything died," said Righty. "We grew up with all these cartoons about animals and birds and fish and stuff, and then we, like, found out that they were all dead."
Righty nodded mournfully. "Yeah. It's like a lesson or something, right? You don't appreciate the butts you've got 'til they're gone."
"So now, if we want to find butts, we have to come here," added Lefty.
I thought about this. Maybe these two weren't the most articulate beings but they came from a world of superior science. Who knew? Perhaps butts were the secret to cold fusion. "So why do you need to find butts?"
The aliens goggled at me. "Because they're, like, butts," said Lefty after a while. "Butts rule."
"What do you do with them?"
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Lords & Ladies of the M'Verse: An Ooorah AnthologyScience Fiction
Each of the 100 stories featured herein will be set within a Universe of the writer's creation, all being a part of a larger, shared Multiverse. Writers have free reign to tell the story they wanna' tell and providing...