Funny Fred and George Jokes and Quotes

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'Merry Christmas!'
'Hey, look – Harry's got a Weasley jumper, too!'
Fred and George were wearing blue jumpers, one with a large yellow F on it, the other with a large yellow G.
'Harry's is better than ours, though,' said Fred, holding up Harry's jumper. 'She obviously makes more of an effort if you're not family.'
'Why aren't you wearing yours, Ron?' George demanded. 'Come on, get it on, they're lovely and warm.'
'I hate maroon,' Ron moaned half-heartedly as he pulled it over his head.
'You haven't got a letter on yours,' George observed, 'I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid – we know
we're called Gred and Forge.'

(Harry is rumoured to be the Heir of Slytherin) Fred and George, however, found all this very funny. They went out of their way to march ahead of Harry down the corridors, shouting, 'Make way for the heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through …'
Percy was deeply disapproving of this behaviour.
'It is not a laughing matter,' he said coldly.
'Oh, get out of the way, Percy,' said Fred, 'Harry's in a hurry.'
'Yeah, he's nipping off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant,' said George, chortling.

George looked up in time to see Malfoy pretending to faint with terror again.
'That little git,' he said calmly. 'He wasn't so cocky last night when the Dementors were down our end of the train. Came running into our compartment, didn't he, Fred?'
'Nearly wet himself,' said Fred, with a contemptuous glance at Malfoy.

'We've come to give you a bit of festive cheer before we go,' said Fred, with a mysterious wink. 'Come in here…'

'What's that supposed to be?'
'This, Harry, is the secret of our success,' said George, patting the parchment fondly.
'It's a wrench, giving it to you,' said Fred, 'but we decided last night, your need's greater than ours.'
'Anyway, we know it off by heart,' said George. 'We bequeath it to you. We don't really need it any more.'
'And what do I need with a bit of old parchment?' said Harry.
'A bit of old parchment!' said Fred, closing his eyes with a grimace, as though Harry had mortally offended him. 'Explain, George.'
'Well… when we were in our first year, Harry – young, carefree and innocent –'
Harry snorted. He doubted whether Fred and George had ever been innocent.
'– well, more innocent than we are now – we got into a pot of bother with Filch.'
'We let off a Dungbomb in the corridor and it upset him for some reason –'
'So he hauled us off to his office and started threatening us with the usual –'
'– detention –'
'– disembowelment – '

'Come on, Ron, you were always saying how boring Scabbers was,' said Fred bracingly. 'And he's been off-colour for ages, he was wasting away. It was probably better for him to snuff it quickly. One swallow – he probably didn't feel a thing.'
'Fred!' said Ginny indignantly.
'All he did was eat and sleep, Ron, you said it yourself,' said George.
'He bit Goyle for us once!' Ron said miserable. 'Remember Harry?'
'Yeah, that's true,' said Harry.
'His finest hour,' said Fred, unable to keep a straight face. 'Let the scar on Goyle's finger stand as a lasting tribute to his memory…' 

(The Weasleys are in Harry’s fireplace) 'What are we doing here? Has something gone wrong?' 'Oh, no, Ron,' came Fred's voice, very sarcastically. 'No, this is exactly where we wanted to end up.' "Yeah, we're having the time of our lives here," said George, whose voice sounded muffled, as though he was squashed against the wall. 

'That wasn't funny, Fred!' he [Arthur] shouted. 'What on earth did you give that Muggle boy?'
'I didn't give him anything,' said Fred, with another evil grin. 'I just dropped it… it was his fault he went and ate it, I never told him to.'

'We didn't give it to him because he was a Muggle!' said Fred indignantly.
'No, we gave it to him because he's a great bullying git,' said George. 

'Anyone can speak Troll,' said Fred dismissively, 'all you have to do is point and grunt.' 

'Don't be a prat, Neville, that's illegal,' said George. 'They wouldn't use the Cruciatus curse on the champions. I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing… maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry.' 

'Thought we'd see what those three were up to,' said Fred matter-of-factly, stepping onto Goyle, and into the compartment. He had his wand out, and so did George, who was careful to tread on Malfoy as he followed Fred inside.
'Interesting effect,' said George, looking down at Crabbe. 'Who used the Furnunculus curse?'
'Me,' said Harry.
'Odd,' said George lightly, 'I used Jelly-Legs. Looks as though those two shouldn't be mixed.'

'So top grade's "O" for "Outstanding",' she was saying, 'and then there's "A" –'
No, "E",' George corrected her [Hermione], '"E" for "Exceeds Expectations". And I've always though Fred and I should've got "E" in everything, because we exceeded expectations just by turning up for the exams.' 

Fred: 'Anyway… we've decided we don't care about getting into trouble any more.'
'Have you ever?' asked Hermione.
'Course we have,' said George. 'Never been expelled, have we?'
'We've always known where to draw the line,' said Fred.
'We might have put a toe across it occasionally,' said George.
'But we've always stopped short of causing real mayhem,' said Fred.
'But now?' said Ron tentatively.
'Well, now –' said George.
'– what with Dumbledore gone –' said Fred.
'– we reckon a bit of mayhem –' said George.
'– is exactly what our new Head deserves,' said Fred.

"How do you feel, Georgie?" whispered Mrs. Weasley. 
George's fingers groped for the side of his head. 
"Saintlike," he murmured. 
"What's wrong with him?" croaked Fred, looking terrified. "Is his mind affected?" 
"Saintlike," repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. "You see... I'm holy. *Holey,* Fred, geddit? 
Mrs. Weasley sobbed harder than ever. Color flooded Fred's pale face. 
"Pathetic," he told George. "Pathetic! With the whole wide world of ear-related humor before you, you go for *holey?*" 
"Ah well," said George, grinning at his tear-soaked mother. "You'll be able to tell us apart now, anyway, Mum." 

Fred: “For instance, this new idea that You-Know-Who can kill with a single glance from his eyes. That’s a basilisk, listeners. One simple test: Check whether the thing that’s glaring at you has got legs. If it has, it’s safe to look into its eyes, although if it really is You-Know-Who, that’s still likely to be the last thing you ever do.” 

Hope you enjoyed reading this! Sorry there's not that many jokes. The good ones are hard to come by. Anyway, have a wonderful day!

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