Twenty.

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ADDI'S POV

"Besides that." He takes a breath and says "Thats not what I am here to discuss."

I can feel the pieces of my heart that he recently put together earlier today breaking off in tiny bits as I stare at his face. He gives off a look that I have not seen before and I don't ever want to see again. I can tell he is at lost for words, and I know what he is about to tell me isn't what I was hoping for.

"I know you don't care. I know you're upset at me at hiding the fact that you thought I was dating Hailey but wasn't so I figured I should let you know this."

I don't care? Yes I do! I have done nothing but cared and I have loved you since I saw your face pop up onto my computer screen.

I'm at a lost for words when he tells me this, everything has seemed to stop around me and here I am once again with nothing to give or show. I am confused as he starts to speak again.

"I ended up going to a party last night with some friends and I kissed someone." A big chunk of my heart was ripped from the remains as I look at the man before me.

He kissed someone?

 "I kissed her while I was drunk and I ended up taking her shirt off." I feel nauseous at hearing the words slip from his mouth an I can feel my head swimming in the deep. I no longer want to see him right now. I can't seem to find the words for him, I'm completely distraught.

I have never been so hurt and I don't know what to do. I want to attack him and ask him why couldn't that have been me? Why couldn't I be her or Hailey? 

A sting of jealousy washes over me and I have nothing more to say to him and the words leave my mouth before I have the chance to reconsider them.

"I kissed my ex, Tyler. So it's whatever."

..

I didn't bother saying goodbye to Mike, I exited out of the window and slammed my laptop, shoving it to the side and out of my face. I only wish it could have been Mike's face I was smashing but it isn't so it doesn't relieve much of the hurt inside but a bit is eased.

I walk over to the bathroom and notice myself in the mirror, I look as if I have seen a ghost. My eyes are wide and there are noticable heavy bags underneath my eyes at the lack of sleep I have been having lately since I have met Mike.

I look down at my clothes and see I have been wearing the same pjs the past week, and my shirt has a stain going down the middle. I look back up and notice my hair is matted down and it looks as if something could crawl out at any minute.

I am a complete mess.

I am broken.

..

Since I have met Mike I have been a ball of mixed emotions when it comes to him and myself. I used to stay up till 3 am cammig with him almost every night. We used to call each other cute pet names and talk about each others day. Speak as if we known each other for years. We both knew our weak and most strong spots. We spoke openly to each other about every thing and how we were both thankful neither of us would judge. We thanked each other for being into our lives and we never once thought it would be like this.

..

I sit in the corner of my bathroom staring down at the message Mike sent me earlier today and already I can feel the wetness starting to form in my eyes. I can only welcome them at this time because I just have nothing more to give. I can't fight my feelings for Mike and I don't want to.

When he told me he ended up kissing another female made me sick, and I wanted to cry. If things weren't bad enough with Hailey, this had to come along. I am shoked at his confession. I thought he was going to tell me all these sweet things and we can move on from this. No. We are far from okay now.

The first tear slides down my face and I bend my head down to wipe it away. I can see my headphones at the corner of my eyes and put them into my phone before playing music.

I have been in this position before.

I set it onto shuffle as my thoughts come back into my mind.

Nothing is clicking with me yet and I feel as if I don't know what to do anymore. Everything has gone from wonderful to worse. Utterly shit. I lied to Mike saying I kissed my ex because he told me he ended up kissing someone else. I have no feelings towards Tyler and I want nothing to do with him. I wanted Mike to feel what I was feeling but as the looks of it...

He doesn't care.

He hid Hailey behind my back and he goes and gets drunk and ends up making out with someone. I knew he didn't have feelings for me but I still can't help the feelings that I have developed for him.

I feel more tears roll down my cheek and all of the pain hits me at once.

Mike wants Hailey instead of you.

He went and got drunk and didn't even think twice about you.

Tyler wanted nothing to do with you anymore.

He basically wanted sex and that's all. No love.

No nothing.

I'm in complete sobs at this time and I can't seem to catch my breath. Every thing seems to be crashing down on me.

Why am I not good enough?

Will I ever be good enough?

Do I even want to live anymore?

I am nothing. 

I feel small and fragile as all of these horrid thoughts consume me and I am taken to a place where I have never been before but I know it all too well.

..

"She sits up high surrounded by the sun,

one million branches and she loves everyone.

Mom and dad, did you search for me?

I've been up here so long, I'm going crazy!"

I have never heard this song before and I can't help but listen to the words as I put the blade to my skin and dwell on what I am about to do. I know what I am doing isn't the best desicion but it seems as if it is the only one.

I start from the left side of my left arm and take the blade across my wrist. I have never felt this away before but it gives me such an adrenaline rush and I start over again moving the blade over my skin again and again.

"It gets you down,

we've all been there sometimes, but tonight...

I'll make you feel beautiful once again."

My breathing is uncontroable as I hear the words come into my mind and take over my thoughts. I take the blade and make my way for another cut, making this the 5th one.

"If I were you, I'd put that away.

See, you're just wasted and thinking about the past again...

Darling, you'll be okay."

The sharpness comes across my skin and I drop the blade at the lyrics to the song and I cry harder knowing that this is speaking to me in a way that I am thankful for. I look down at the screen and when I see the title, all my thoughts are answered.

"Hold on till May - Pierce the veil"

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