My secret

Chapter 9

Nightmare/flashback

You don't think I'll hurt I you jimmy says grabbing my arm. Let me go I said to him through gritted teeth. I will hurt you I promise don't mess with me he said.

You know your scared of me he said and truth is I was. He squeezed my arm tighter now tell me he said. My arm hurt from the pain in it okay I finally said.

He loosened his grip but didn't let go. He never let go till I told him what he wanted. I've been depressed I said to him he got mad and tightened his grip again.

Why are you depressed he asked I winced at the pain but kept going. Because I'm not her and you don't want me the way you want her I said.

I told you I have loved her for years. I can't help that and I will always love her. Will you ever want me as much as you want her I asked.

Probably not and that's just cause I've loved her my whole life he said. What if we were getting married and she finally changed her mind. Who would you choose I asked him.

I've loved her forever I'd want to see where it went. So are just settling for me I asked. It's not settling when you he person you love doesn't love you. But do you love me I asked.

Not in the way I love her he said to me. He saw that upset me and he squeezed my arm tighter like I said she was my first true love he had so much anger in his voice.

I sat straight up and was shaking really bad. I had fallen asleep during the movie and it was now 6 in the morning. My heart was also racing and my palms were sweaty.I looked around and saw Matt sitting the chair. He was putting his work shoes on you okay he asked me.

Yea I'm fine I said lying to him and smiled very fake considering I was still shaking. What's the matter he asked me again looking at me just a bad dream I said.

What was the dream about he asked sitting next to me. He placed his hand on my shoulder and I jumped away from him. Sorry I said umm I don't want to talk about it right now. Well I have to get to work but we're talking later he said. And you don't have to be afraid of me I won't hurt you.

Deep down I knew that but my dream had me freaked out. He left and I tried to calm myself down. I laid back down and drifted back to sleep taking in some deep breaths.

I woke up a little later it was 8 in the morning. I felt a little better now hey Allie said coming into the room. Good morning I said to her with a smile. So Matt messaged me she said he told me you woke up from a bad dream.

Do you want to talk about she asked me. I was hesitant but I talked anyways , I took a deep breath I had a nightmare about jimmy. It was just something that happened one day when he bruised my arm.

I'm sorry hun she said hugging me. I just don't understand why I was never good enough for him I said. You didn't need to anything for him he wasn't worth your time Allie said. He wanted her over me it's the entire reason I put red in my hair last year I said.

I did that cause she was a red head and I thought. Ugh I just thought maybe he would want me more if I changed. Well you don't need him she said he's not worth anyone's time.

I know I just hate how I am never good enough I said. You are way past good enough she said trust and believe that. One day you'll find a guy who loves you for you and won't ask you to change a thing.

And who knows maybe Jordan is that guy. You should really give him a chance he's a good guy trust me Allie said.

I thought about what she said through out the day. I was sitting in the porch with my guitar when Matt got off work. I was just strumming trying to think of something to play.

The weather was nice the air smelled like a mixture of rain and ocean air. I loved that smell and the sky was beautiful just a nice light blue with very few clouds. And there was a slight breeze as well that just tickled your skin ever so slightly.

What's the matter Matt said coming onto the porch. Nothing why I asked him giving him a strange look. You only play that thing when something is wrong he said. That is so not true I said sounding offended even though it's true.

He looked at me for a minute will talk after I shower he said going inside. I rolled my eyes and went back to strumming the guitar. It was a beautiful acoustic guitar cherry wood so smooth the strings against my fingers always made me feel better.

I found a tune I liked and started singing the course to a song by Little Mix called good enough.

Am I still not good enough am I still not worth that much. Im sorry for the way my life turned out I'm sorry for the smile I'm wearing now guess I'm still not good enough.

I stopped playing and heard something behind me. I jumped it was Matt his hair was damp from the shower. You do realize your more than good enough its other people who aren't worth it he said taking a seat.

I don't feel good enough I said I always feel worthless. Sometimes I feel like if I just stopped breathing the world would be better off. He seemed shocked by my response it took him a minute to respond.

Look at me he said you deserve to be here. You deserve so much in life you are a wonderful person.  I don't understand why you think so low of yourself.

I see so much potential in you because your smart, beautiful, important, and just all around amazing I don't ever want to hear you say that again. I don't want to lose you cause it would feel like losing my own child and I couldn't bear it he said.

He knelt down in front of me and took my guitar from my hands. He placed it to the side and pulled me into a tight hug. Don't let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve to breath he said.

I could feel him holding back like he wanted to cry. He hugged me tighter I'm always here for you okay he said. I promise I'm not going anywhere he said.

He pulled back out of the hug and placed his hands on my shoulders. I swear to you I'm not going anywhere. I pinky swear he said sticking out his pinky.

I stuck out my pinky and connected it with his. Thank you I said to him with a smile. Your welcome he said letting my pinky go and hugging me again.