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I was someone once. Well at least the illusion made me believe I was someone once. I was going places and living the life I had thought I could only have in my dreams. Like most girls my dreams were of love, romance and security. Growing up in Queens I longed for the day when I'd be taken away from the harsh realities of life and only live its pleasures. I went to school. I kept my head down. I was a good girl.

After high school I worked in small accounting office to help my family. Family. Means a hell of a lot more to me now. The job was a front. I didn't know that then. Its amazing how traumas from your childhood can prepare you for other things in your future. When my crooked boss was made to stand judged for his sins I made myself useful. I kept my head down but proved myself an asset. While the so called bad boys my boss thought he had hired shook with fear I showed the secret rooms. I showed them the bruise on my arm when I refused the advances of my boss. I showed them where the hidden safe was that held the true records. I saw there was potential when I played my cards right.

I then began working for one of the most powerful families in New York. The Salerno Organization had become my home. My new boss gave me nothing to fear. No one bothered me and I loved how my status changed. A dream apartment downtown. Clothing, money, a driver and car. Hobnobbing with the future leaders of the organization. Being the secretary of one of the most powerful men can be a heady experience. Then to keep that position when his son took command. I was on top of the world.

Then to be dating one of the five. I had had a crush on him for many years, way before...no, no I better not think about that now or I just might end it all right now. I look out at the river and think how easy it would be to just fall over the side. No one would miss a disgraced secretary. Of course I'm not even that now. I feel the cars behind me rushing to places to take care of important things. I used to be a part of important things. I used to know things, important things. That knowledge had to be buried, completely removed from my memory. Maybe I can just move backwards a little bit, just a small step off the curb and instantly I'll disappear.

I want to be invisible. I want to vanish but I really don't have anywhere to go. Mind you I have money. The SO paid me very well. Even my severance was more than a kingly ransom but even if I went to the West Coast once you've worked for the mafia there is an air about you. You don't just wash that away. There is training that is so ingrained it could only be relieved by death.

I should have loved him. In some way I knew this and in the beginning I had started out the plump black girl in love. He was going to finally be my happily ever after. The flirting from Kyle and the encouragement from Cart, um Mrs. Salerno had brought me great happiness. It seemed the only way for things to go was up. I was a part of the inner circle. I wasn't just an employee. I wasn't just expendable personnel. I was going places and I was coming in to my own.

Girly get togethers were growing. I aimed for perfection. Perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect weight. Unfortunately I fell prey to what most insecure females fear, the other woman. I knew she was there. I knew that Kyle had a special place in his heart for only her. I regretfully thought it was Mrs. Salerno. Back when I said her name, when we were friends. And my insecurities made my mouth make statements that were mean spirited and from a place of pain. I didn't know it would be the start of my downfall.

I became the black bitch. When Mrs. Salerno withdrew I just kept my head down. I foolishly thought all was forgiven when Kyle asked me out and our relationship moved to the very physical. God, that man could fuck. I was never completely left unsatisfied. My body was always put to rights after that man had touched it but my heart, the one thing I had ignored, did not have him. My fear didn't let me love him how he needed to be loved. At first I was on track to do that but my flawed thinking had me doing things I never thought I'd do. My nipples involuntary pebble and a familiar tightening starts in my belly. Its been a long time. I must stop thinking about that.

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