Cloudy Cuckoo Cosmos Short Stories

Top! in Lord of the Rings

'I'm the one who shouldn't say it as wouldn't count galoudn't,' Dave said.

'There have been even stranger travellers through Bree lately,' he went on, watching Frodo's face.

'If you can't believe it,' Dave said, removing more of their cloak. Frodo gasped at what he had believed was their chest, on which a mouth stretched across their body and was filled with sharp teeth, white skin contrasting the red above it. Dave smiled at Frodo, a smile as innocent as a newborn hobbit's though with teeth, and then picked up their tankard with a stubby, fingerless arm, and placed the entire container into their mouth.

Strider's attention seemed suddenly to be fixed on Pippin. To his alarm Frodo became aware that the ridiculous young Took, encouraged by his success with the fat Mayor of Michel Delving, was now actually giving a comic account of Bilbo's farewell party. He was already giving an imitation of the Speech, and was drawing near to the astonishing Disappearance.

Frodo was annoyed. It was a harmless enough tale for most of the local hobbits, no doubt: just a funny story about those funny people away beyond the River; but some (old Butterbur, for instance) knew a thing or two, and had probably heard rumours long ago about Bilbo's vanishing. It would bring the name of Baggins to their minds, especially if there had been inquiries in Bree after that name.

Frodo fidgeted, wondering what to do. Pippin was evidently forgetful of their danger. Frodo had a sudden fear that in his present mood he might even mention the Ring; and that might well be disastrous.

'You had better do something quick!' whispered Strider in his ear.

'Invest in municipal bonds!' said Dave. They jumped onto Frodo's back, and he felt Dave's rubbery skin. 'Suggest we all play a game of Monopoly! Netflix and chill!'

Frodo jumped up and stood on a table, which knocked Dave back to the seat, and he began to talk. The attention of Pippin's audience was disturbed. Some of the hobbits looked at Frodo and laughed and clapped, thinking that Mr. Underhill had taken as much ale as was good for him.

Frodo suddenly felt very foolish, and found himself (as was his habit when making a speech) fingering the things in his pocket. He felt the Ring on its chain, and quite unaccountably the desire came over him to slip it on and vanish out of the silly situation. It seemed to him, somehow, as if the suggestion came to him from outside, from someone or something in the room. He became aware of other suggestions coming to him from outside, and realized it was Dave whispering for him to do things—eat a ham, pull a rabbit out of a hat. Frodo resisted the temptation to slip on the Ring, and clasped it in his hand, as if to keep a hold on it and prevent it from escaping or doing any mischief. At any rate it gave him no inspiration, nor did Dave. He spoke 'a few suitable words', as they would have been said in the Shire: We are all very much gratified by the kindness of your reception, and I venture to hope that my brief visit will help to renew the old ties of friendship between the Shire and Bree; and then he hesitated and coughed.

'You're losing 'em, you're losing 'em,' whispered Dave.

Everyone in the room was now looking at Frodo. 'A song!' shouted one of the hobbits. 'A song! A song!' shouted all of the others along with Dave. 'Come on now, master, sing us something that we haven't heard before!'

For a moment Frodo stood gaping. Then in desperation he prepared to begin a ridiculous song that Bilbo had been rather fond of (and indeed rather proud of, for he had made up the words himself), but then Dave muttered something behind him—"Why am I calling for a song?"—and then jumped onto the table, shoving Frodo back down to the seat. With a spin they produced a rounded block of wood, one end thin that they held, with a series of strings stretched taut along its length like a harp. They ran a stubby, shapeless arm over the strings, creating a melodic unlike a harp but more like a series of twanging bows. With this music Dave sang a song to accompany it. Here it is in full. No words of it are now, as a rule, remembered.

There once was a guy named Top,
Er wait no actually I meant Dave.
He was cool, yeah a real cool kid
And the world he did save.

He found himself at an inn just one day,
Yes he found himself at an inn.
At this inn was people probably, maybe,
And by his singing he'd maybe win.

Maybe he'd win if he just, maybe, maybe,
Remembered what to sing about.
But if not, maybe he could just escape if
He found himself another route!

A-no-ther route, another route, a-no-ther route, another route, a-no another, another route!

Anyway, after he left the inn,
He had to go to the stock exchange
Because he would make a killing,
I admit this song is strange.

I was going to sing about something else, yeah,
I really was going to.
But then I forgot what the words were before I
Ever really was able to.

So I just made up some stuff on the fly,
'Cause that is the way I do things.
If you don't like it you can't send it back now,
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it!

Dave capered about on the table as they sang; and when they came to the final line, they leaped into the air across the tables. Much too vigorously on the last leap; for they came down, bang, into a tray full of mugs, and slipped, and rolled off the table with a crash, clatter, and bump! The audience all opened their mouths wide for laughter, and stopped short in gaping silence; for the singer disappeared. Where they had landed was now broken up floorboards, as if they had gone slap through the floor with leaving a hole!

The local hobbits stared, and then sprang to their feet and shouted for Barliman. As for poor Frodo, upon seeing the disappearance of Dave, fingered the things in his pockets again and discovered, with horrifying realization, that the Ring was gone!

MEANWHILE OUTSIDE THIS STORY

"Gee," not-Dave-but-Top said, wandering through the space between stories, "I'll bet I either saved them a whole lot of time or just doomed all of Middle-Earth. I'm not really sure which."