It happened again. Each mark made resembled one insecurity,
"You're not good enough"
"Don't talk to her shes a freak"
"Why do you eat lunch if you're fat"
"Put a bag on your head no body wants to see that ugly face"
I looked down at what i had done, four deep rips on my skin, with blood pushing its way out of my veins and onto the surface. No i didn't feel guilty, but nor did i feel better, its been said self harming helps ease the pain but in reality it only causes more, but if you think about it i deserved it, i get told enough that i should cut deeper next time, don't get me wrong i have though about it, the only thing stopping me was Seth. Seth isn't a school friend or a family friend, he is an online friend. About 7 months ago i came across an event on twitter called 'buddy page' so curiously i proceeded to check it out, only to find it was an event in which a person suffering from self harm and anxiety gets paired with an anxiety and self harm overcomer. This was when i met Seth, it took 2 weeks for us to be paired together, i had been put with a few people but it just didn't feel right. Telling him about everything was the hardest thing i had ever done but also the greatest, if i hadn't came across this event who knows where i would be now. People say online friends don't give a shit about you, that if they knew the real you they would stop talking but Seth did know the real me, more than i even knew myself and yet he still stays by my side. We've never physically met before and at times i've thought about agreeing to Skype him but then millions of worrying thoughts cross my mind, the main one that occurs the most is 'what if he's disappointed?Having social anxiety means i literally cannot force myself to speak to people, i can't make conversation, i can't look you in the eyes and i most certainly cannot be with someone alone.
There was a small tissue box placed on my window ceil, leaning across my bed i tried reaching it but it was too far, i shuffled further towards it and reached again, my fingertips touched it but pushed it further away at the same time. I guess i had to get up. With my jumper sleeve still protecting my wrist i grabbed a couple of tissues and pulled it up, revealing blood stained cuts and a protruded vein. My mum was asleep and my brothers were playing video games so i crept to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. There were times when i didn't need to clean myself up but when it started becoming deeper it was essential. My tissue was now wet, i dabbed it on my wrist, inching in pain i pulled my sleeve down once again and flushed the stained tissue down the toilet.
I quietly crept back to my room noticing my phone screen light up through the half open wooden door. I felt goosebumps beginning to develop on my forearms,
'1 Text messaged from Seth Received at 9.45pm
Hello you :3, how was your day?x'
To be quite honest my day was awful, when i woke up i had to face the reflection in the mirror that i prayed every night would one day be a person everyone was happy with, i got humiliated in school because i was forced to read out my english work and i ended up shaking, going bright red and eventually leaving the room mourning, at lunch i sat in the corner of the field alone hoping nobody would see me eat my lunch but guess what? They did, crowds of people gathered around me to point and laugh at how i have to hide to eat because I'm embarrassed of my weight, on the walk home a bunch of popular girls that are everything i'd always wanted to be stared me up and down laughing, i finished this all off by taking every second of humiliation out on myself because i like to think it will make me feel better,
I didn't want to tell Seth any of that because i don't want to drag him down with me but i have to tell him, who else is there to tell.
'New message to Seth sent at 9.50pm,
Seth... I did it again'
YOU ARE READING
Being a victim of self harm and social anxiety is not the best when you're a 16 year old teenager. Andrea is most reliant on her online friend Seth to keep her intact but will he be there forever?