24. He Gives Your Child The Sex Talk.

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LIAM:  You’d had the sex talk with Makenzie years ago, but now that she has her first boyfriend, Liam feels it’s necessary to have a more in-depth conversation with her.  “Liam, she’s fourteen - the conversation can wait another year or two.  She knows the basics and that’s enough for now,” you insist, dismissing the debate as you excuse yourself and head out the door to run errands.  “Kenz?” Liam calls out as soon as your car disappears down the street.  She traipses down the stairs to join Liam in the living room.  “Makenzie, come here for a minute please.  I wanna have an important talk with you.”  Makenzie obliges and takes a seat on the couch.  “Kenz, you’re getting older now and turning into a young woman, and there are a lot of things that are going to be new and different…like dating and sex,” Liam starts off awkwardly.  “Oh God, Dad!” Makenzie groans once she realizes where he’s going with this.  “I just want you to be informed,” Liam continues.  “Dad, I know.  Mom and I talked about it.  Multiple times.  Please, this is so awkward!” she hisses, growing embarrassed.  Liam clears his throat and nods.  “Alright then, good talk,” he concludes, rising from his position and exiting the room.

ZAYN:  “Hey, uh, can I talk to you for a second?” Zayn asks his son as he enters the den.  Lane pauses his video game as he replies, “Yeah, sure.  What’s up?”  “I just wanted to talk to you about something.  Uh…well…you’re almost sixteen and you’re getting to the age when a lot of the guys are gonna start having sex.”  “Do we really have to have this talk?  I’ve already learned about this kinda stuff in health class,” Lane asks, trying to put an end to the conversation.  “I just want to make sure that you know to use protection and all that.  You know, when the time comes for…that.”  Lane rolls his eyes.  “I know all about that already, Dad,” Lane insists, unpausing his game.  “Can I just ask one more thing?” Zayn continues.  “Sure.”  “Do you know how to properly use the protection?  Because it won’t do you any good if it’s used wrong.  Any of it.  Like, if she misses even one night of her birth control pill, it could-“  “Dad!  Please stop.  For the love of God, I know!” Lane insists, cutting his dad off.  “Just making sure,” Zayn mutters.  “We’ll, uh, we’ll revisit this topic another time, yeah?” Zayn awkwardly wraps up the conversation before heading out of the den and back into the living room where you’re trying to hide your laughter, having heard the whole thing.

LOUIS:  Being the responsible parents that you are, you and Louis had been taking turns popping into the basement where Lea and her boyfriend are watching a movie.  You’re both suspicious that more than movie-watching is taking place down there, but you hadn’t been able to catch anything yet because they always hear you coming.  Finally, Louis manages to sneak up on them and catch them in a make-out session that is a little too heated for Louis’ liking.  “Oops, sorry, just passing through.  Didn’t mean to interrupt anything!” Louis chirps mock-casually.  The two young teens pull apart quickly, both of their faces crimson in embarrassment.  “Are you two aware of the whole sex thing?” Louis brings up bluntly.  “Yes, Dad, very aware,” Lea replies quickly, through gritted teeth, trying to get rid of him.  “Very aware, huh?  Not sure I like the sound of that.  So you both know about condoms and all that?” Louis carries on, taking a seat on the couch between the couple.  “Yes, Dad.”  “What about you, mate?  Do you know?” Louis asks Lea’s boyfriend.  “Yes, Mr. Tomlinson,” he replies without making eye contact.  “Oh good, then you wouldn’t mind a pop quiz.  Babe, can you bring down a condom and a banana?” Louis calls up to you.  “Oh my God, this is not happening right now…” Lea groans, burying her face in her hands and wishing she were anywhere but there right now.

NIALL:  “He’s barely thirteen, do I have to?” Niall asks, much like a child who’s trying to get out of finishing his peas.  “Yes, he needs to know about these kinds of things before he hears it from his friends and possibly gets misinformed,” you insist, nudging him to go in the direction of Cole’s room.  Niall sighs but approaches the door.  Cole lowers the comic book when he notices Niall in the doorway.  “You busy?” Niall inquires, stepping into the room.  “Not really.  I was just reading this comic book Uncle Zayn gave to me.”  “Oh good.  I wanted to talk to you about something.  Your mum and I think it’s about time you know about some more adult things,” Niall starts uncertainly.  “Like what?” Cole wonders.  “Like sex,” Niall states.  “I know about sex.  It’s what people do when they’re in love.  Or when they wanna have a baby,” Cole tells Niall innocently.  “Well, yeah, but there’s a little bit more to it than that,” Niall explains.  Cole’s interest is clearly piqued as he raises his eyebrows a bit upon hearing this.  “Oh jeeze, how do I say this?” Niall wonders aloud before stumbling into a more in-depth conversation with Cole about some of the other details about sex.

HARRY:  “What’s sex?” Carson asks out of the blue as the family sits down to dinner one night.  You nearly choke on your water as you ask your eight year old, “Where did you hear that word?”  “At school.  Some of my friends were talking about it.  What is it?” Carson asks again.  You and Hary exchange glances before you give him a look to say “this is all you.”  Harry takes a deep breath, buying a few seconds’ time before answering, “Well, it’s something that mummy’s and daddy’s do because they are in love and want to have a baby,” Harry tries to leave it as simple as possible.  “But what is it?” Carson presses.  “Um, it’s…it’s kind of when the dad gives the mum a seed and then the mum grows the seed into a baby.”  “Why does he give her a seed?” your son inquires.  “Because he loves her so much,” Harry replies.  “My friend said that his older sister has sex with lots of boys.  So are they all giving her their seed?” Carson asks.  Harry closes his eyes for a second, trying to figure out how to get himself out of the hole he’s dug himself into.  “Yeah, sorta,” is the best answer he can come up with, which leads to you showing your disapproval by kicking him under the table.

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