It's been two weeks since the birth of our daughter and Chanel and I finally got the opportunity to enjoy the peacefulness of our home without anyone in it. We were grateful for all the people who came by to mourn with us, but it felt good to have a moment to ourselves. Chanel was released from the hospital 2 days after giving birth. Three days later, we had a small memorial service for Aleigha before I had her ashes turned into diamonds. They would be ready for us in a few days and I was grateful that this process was possible so that we could have our princess with us wherever we went.
I went into the nursery to see Chanel sitting in a rocking chair, clutching the blanket that she used to hold Aleigha after birth. She seemed to be staring off into space, something she mostly did when she was alone.
"Hey, you hungry?" I asked as I walked into the room but he just shook her head.
"Babe, you've barely eaten in days. You have to try to eat something" Once I was close enough to her, I saw that she had been crying. I attempted to wipe her tears away, but she moved her head causing me to sigh. It had been like this since we got home, she didn't want me to touch her and the tension between us was so thick, you needed a chainsaw to cut it. I knew she was still angry with me for all that I had done these past few months, especially for not being there when she gave birth. I regretted everything I did, but my sorries weren't going to be enough to fix this. I told her I was done with the bullshit before and I lied, I would need more than an apology and a homemade dinner to fix his.
"I'm gonna bring you some tea and fruit. You're gonna make yourself sick." I sighed before leaving the room and going to the kitchen. I took some fruit out of the fridge and the fruit bowl on the counter and began to cut them up for her as I waited for the water to boil. Once it did, I made her some Earl Grey tea, before carrying the bowl and cup up to the nursery. I placed it on the windowsill near her so that she could eat it whenever she was ready.
After I made sure she was okay, I went to the basement where my at home studio was and decided to try and work on some music. These past two of weeks, my mind had been so clouded that I hadn't been able to work on anything, but right now I had so many feelings that I felt I needed to get them out the best way I knew how through my music. I've wanted to have kids for so long, and it breaks my heart that I was so close to having that dream fulfilled only for it to have it ripped away from me. What hurts the most is that I failed my child before she was even born, and I couldn't help but feel like I contributed to her death. Dr. Jenkins said Chanel's stress levels caused her to go into early labor and because the pregnancy was already high risk, the baby's heart gave up on beating.
After a few hours of writing some music, I heard the studio door open and I looked up to see Chanel walking in. She was dressed in a pair of black leggings and a grey short sleeve shirt. Her curly hair was now in a bun, and her face looked dull. She was just as beautiful as she had always been, but her spirit was broken, and it showed on her face.
"Hey, I ordered some food. I would cook but I just don't have the energy to. I don't have the energy to do much honesty" I took the platter and the Styrofoam cup from her and placed it on an empty table.
"Thanks," I said "You didn't have to, and I'm not expecting you to cook either"
"How are you feeling?" I asked as she took a seat in one of the empty chairs.
"I thought I knew what heartbreak was when you cheated on me years ago. Compared to how I feel now, that was nothing. I just can't believe this happened." she said as she began to cry more. This was the most that she and I had spoken since we had been home, and I'm glad she was finally opening up to me because I missed her. "I know everything happens for a reason, and I know I shouldn't question God, but I just don't understand why all of this had to happen to me."