Loneliness was waking up to nothing but the sound of your own heart rhythm, in an empty, unfamiliar room. The lights were dim, the chair beside my bed was unoccupied, and my door was closed, shutting me out from whatever was happening outside these four walls of a hospital room.
I wished I didn't, but I remembered exactly why I was in this bed. I just wanted to feel something. Another form of a high, an adrenaline rush to mask out the poison I was intoxicating my body with. I knew I was in a bad frame of mind, but ending my own life was never my intention of going up there.
I knew where Jen and I stood, I guess it wasn't until I realised she wasn't here, waiting for me to wake up, that she was serious in us being done. She wanted me to get help, but I was in denial about my problems. I didn't think I was in that deep, that I needed treatment. I wasn't going crazy, and I wasn't an addict, so why was she so adamant I needed that help? I didn't understand it, nor did I accept her giving her ring back as a good intention.
That was all until right now, when I felt what loneliness was, and realised I put myself in this position. I kept running away from feeling my emotions, and covering them up with a life I knew I didn't belong to. I blamed others for making the mistakes I did, because I couldn't accept responsibility for my own misdoing. I was angry with myself for letting things escalate to what they had, and I was embarrassed of the consequences of my actions.
I remembered talking to Jen on the phone, as she and Willow begged me to come down from the ledge. I wasn't going to jump, I guess having them believe I was, was my final attempt at sympathy and fear of losing me. I felt as though I was losing Jen, so I needed her to tell me she needed me here. I needed a reason not to end everything. I lost my footing, and the last thing I remembered was falling to the next floor, crashing down onto the pavement of the balcony, before blacking out.
I guess that was a metaphor for hitting rock bottom. They say you need to reach your bottom before you can build yourself up again. That was my wake up call- that was my bottom.
All I wanted, was my girls. I wanted my fiancé, and I wanted my daughter. With them, I was me. They made who I was, they grounded me, kept me sane, and made me feel safe. Not having them here with me, and knowing I wasn't welcomed anymore, was the worst kind of pain I'd ever felt. I ruined more than just a relationship with Jen, I lost a family, because I was too damn stubborn to admit I needed help.
My heart monitor beeped, reminding me I was alive, and I needed to start living again. I couldn't keep running from problems, because the more I tried to bury them, the worse the aftermath was. My reality was now not having anyone around me, because I was a disappointment to them. I was a disappointment to myself.
"I don't care if he's unconscious, I need to see him," I heard someone raise their voice, outside my door. It was too muffled to work out who it was.
The door swung open, as the figure paused in the doorway, looking at me with tears in her eyes, and sadness painted across her face. She stayed there watching me, waiting for a response as she tried to engulf her sobs.
"Hi, baby," I managed to speak, just wanting her to stop keeping her distance, and fall into my arms like I wished she would.
"Thank God," she ran to my side, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck. Pain shot through me, making me wince at her grip, but I ignored it. She was here, she was hugging me, and I wouldn't do a thing in the world to stop it.
YOU ARE READING
With the future looking uncertain at the end of Something Greater - the second book in the Something Great trilogy - has Jenelle survived the dark turn her labour has taken, or is Harry set to be a single father? Life has now become a balancing act...