Finding Jordan

Chapter 11

I felt bad. So bad. Maybe I should have run after him as soon as he took off, but my mind was racing a million different directions. I felt horrible that he wanted kids and at the same time, I hated him for wanting them. And I was pissed that he suspected I was pregnant and hadn't said anything. If I would have known, maybe I wouldn't have done it. But when I thought about it, I didn't want kids . . . at least not then. I didn't, and I knew that's why I hadn't told him. It was my choice, and I would have chosen differently if he had known.

Fifteen minutes later he returned, not to me but at least to the truck.

I knew I had to apologize for starting the fight. I eased myself over the side of the bed and went to find him. He was kicked back on the bumper, hands in his pockets, looking up in awe and desperation. He was praying or thinking real hard.

"I'm sorry," I said from far enough away that he couldn't reach out and touch me.

He didn't answer right away but nodded a quiet, brooding acceptance of my apology. I'd never seen him angry before. He never had me pull away from him before. There were so many things we had never seen in each other. I left the stars and full moon to him and stared out at the silver moonlight branches of the pine trees in the distance. Dim light left splotches of color on the forest floor under the trees. An owl cooed from a nearby perch. I waited for him to say something, anything.

Finally he spoke, "What do you think of me, Jordan?"

"What?"

"What do you think of me? Do you really think I expect you to completely change your life?"

"I honestly don't know anything about you."

"Come on, girl. We've been together long enough. You know me. Is that what you think of me?"

I looked down, ashamed. "No."

"I would never ask you to give up who you are. The point of us is to make each other better, not to change each other."

"I know."

"I love you. I love your career, the fire in your eyes when you talk about it. I won't ask you to give that up . . . ever. It's part of who you are . . . what I love about you."

"It's not that. I overreacted. I'm sorry. You started talking about kids. It freaked me out. The thought of kids right now scares me." I couldn't help it tears started to roll out of my eyes, not for the thought but for the termination. "I'm not ready. I'm sorry."

Again he nodded. "Maybe someday?"

I shrugged. I would give anything to take away the pain I saw on his face then. I hurt so bad knowing I was the one causing it. He came to me slowly and took my shoulders in his big strong hands. He ducked down to catch my averted eyes. "Hey," he said. "Hey, I married you because I love you. Forever and always, remember? I meant it. All I want is you for the rest of my life, all right? I just had this picture in my head of being a dad someday. You know, taking my kid fishing, surfing, teaching him how to drive. It threw me off when you said it. I never pictured a life without kids. But I love you." He pulled me into his chest, and that time I didn't resist. He rocked me gently and kissed the top of my head. "I'll deal with it."

How come one of us had to lose? I didn't want him to give up his dreams of a family because of me. I wanted to reassure him, to tell him I wanted kids, too . . . someday. But someday was two days ago and I had said no to that kid. If I said no then, to that one, what made me think I could say yes to another? What gave me the right to say yes to another, ever? "Can we just go home?" I asked.