Drug-Addled Doctor Who

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With a final scream the Eleventh Doctor seemed to explode, golden wisps and tendrils whipping around his body and shooting out all around him, lighting up the TARDIS control room. After a few seconds, it ceased abruptly to reveal a weedy looking man with shaved hair.

"Fuck!" He exclaimed to himself in a broad Yorkshire accent. "I need some wacky baccy after that!"

And so, the Twelfth Doctor lit a fag, put some club music on and transported the TARDIS to Soho, in the hope of finding a drug dealer.

Instead, he found a couple of whores. Sadly, they rejected him, making up some excuse that included "Boris Johnson", "Westlife" and "a carrot shaped vibrator".

The Doctor shrugged and ran off to the drug dealer.

And thus, the Twelfth Doctor entered the world.

The following morning, the Doctor awoke dressed in a green tracksuit and drooling all over the floor. A large cannabis plant was growing next to the central console and a single, high-heeled shoe was on the floor next to him.

"Last night was some crazy shit, innit." He told the room.

The room remained silent except for the gentle hum of the TARDIS.

"YOU STARTIN', BLUD?" he screamed at the walls.

He recieved no answer.

"Yeah, you will stop talkin'." He declared, leering at thin air. Allowing his tracksuit bottoms to fall halfway down his backside, the Doctor strutted over to the console.

It was time for him to pick up his benefit money.

The Doctor was now officially on the dole.

Opening the doors with unnecessary force, the Doctor strode into the Jobcentre.

"DOLE MONEY! NOW!" he yelled at the receptionist who smiled politely.

"What's your name, sir?" she asked.

"The Doctor."

"Full name, please."

"The. Doctor. My parents were bastards, ya get me?"

The receptionist shook her head. "I'm afraid I can't-"

"WHERE'S MY DOLE?" the skin-headed chav yelled.

"Sir, please-"




"FINE, YOU COUNCIL ESTATE SCUM! HERE!" she yelled throwing a few notes at him.

The Doctor grinned and leaned over the desk towards her.

"So listen babe, how about you come back to my place? I could show you how to use my Sonic Screwdriver..." he murmured quietly, staring at her chest.

The police were called and the Doctor fled the planet.

End of Chapter One