Ok, so I made his private for a while...for reasons...but, honestly, if I'm not going to be able to be this honest in real life I may as well do so here...
Hey. This is a weird thing to do, I get that, but I kinda feel the need to do it.
I only joined this site relatively recently, first just reading lots of random stories, of varying length, quality, imagination, etc. and pretty much enjoyed them all, trust me, they've been a welcome distraction from other things.
I also love sci-fi and any tv show that kinda revolves around that, so ended up reading a lot of Stranger Things fanfiction. You guys are so talented and imaginative, so what if sometimes the grammar or spelling is a little flaky, I don't care, that's not what makes a good story, some of my favourite films and tv shows are utter garbage if looked at from that point of view.
Anyway, I'm kinda getting away from whatever point I think I'm trying to make...honestly I don't really know why I'm writing this right now, I may not even post it, but if I do it'll be unedited and contain all this crap.
Okay, well, no-one here really knows me, I am a completely random addition to the site, far too old really, but I used to love fanfiction back in the day and recently returned, I'll get to why in a bit.
I'm fairly middle class, living in the UK...I have 2 little kids, I love them to bits, but getting married and having them has been probably the biggest mistake of my life. I am trapped in a web of my own making, working in a soul-destroying job I hated for years to make family like work.
Right now, I have 2 things in my life that make it just about bearable, other than my kids, I have started training to do a job I love, and, stupid as it may sound, I have this site. The former is something to hold on to, but even though I love it I'm struggling so much because the rest of my life seems to be crumbling ever so slowly around me. It's happening so slowly no-one else can see it but me, but I can't see where the pieces will fall, and it terrifies me.
I've never really cried whilst writing something before, well, maybe once, but that was to someone else on this site too... but I can feel it building right now, but I have to be careful not to get caught writing this, so I will try and keep it in. And therein lies my problem, keeping things inside. Since I was really young I've been over-anxious, scared to death of being judged, scared of what others think, which is why this is the most ridiculous thing I may or may not do...I've never been able to be me, never been able to show someone who I truly am, cause I am literally terrified of even a complete stranger's reaction...and you know what, it fucking hurts, it is literally killing me inside, slowly but surely I am breaking and I don't know what to do.
So much for no tears too, that didn't last long, lol.
I am dying on the inside but keeping up this façade on the outside, but it is starting to slip, I can feel it.
So where does this site come in, well, a couple of months ago I hit a really low point, I don't even know what triggered it, but it was bad...and weird as it may seem, being able just to pour myself into the crappy stories I wrote really helped, you may think it's weird, I'm using characters from a tv show to write random scenarios around, but to me that's all they are, characters we all know what their names are and what they look like, other than that, its complete fiction. It's a common frame of reference so one doesn't have to waste time describing people etc. I used to do the same a few years ago based on other sci-fi shows, it's a welcome distraction from what's happening in my real world, like pure escapism.
You know what else I found on this site though, an actual community of like-minded people (not necessarily like my mind, I mean to each other), regardless of background, race, nationality, gender, sexuality, all brought together by a love of reading and writing, and it is literally one of the best things in my life right now. You guys are amazing and I genuinely admire you all, how supportive you are, excited by new stories, etc.
Writing helps me cope and helps distract me, but unfortunately I know it won't be enough for ever, and I'll have to make a choice...but no matter what the question, my choice always revolves around me destroying 3 lives (my husband and kids) or 1 life, mine. I know which I'll choose, the numbers don't lie, or make sense any other way, but I don't know how long I can do it for.
I guess what I'm saying is thanks you guys; whoever happens to have read one of my rambling, clichéd stories and got some enjoyment from them, or made a nice comment which meant the world to me, or made a nice, funny, supportive comment to someone else's awesome story, thank you. Don't ever, ever let anyone get you down or stop you from doing what you love, and don't fuck up your life like I have mine, be true to who you really are no matter how hard you find it at first.
I don't really know what else to say tbh, I know I have more to say but don't know how to say it, maybe a list is best, cut the crap I guess:
I've only ever told one person this, now I'm potentially telling what, like 3 people (I have very few readers lol...btw, thats another way I cope, making jokes to hide the truth) recently I've cut myself, stupid as it sounds I did it to help me live, not to die...I'd never even done it before, but it was that or something worse...
This isn't exactly a list I realise, sorry, I'm really rambling now, even writing I'm trying to avoid writing this next thing...literally I'm struggling, and I don't think I can, so I'll leave this shit here...
If you've made it this far, then I'm sorry, you must think I'm a total headcase, and will unfollow me in an instant...I get that, and if you do I won't think any less of you, have fun writing, etc. I mean it, genuinely 😊
So, to recap, in a nutshell, my life is crumbling, but this site and you guys are truly awesome and I respect and admire you all, so thanks for being in the world I guess.
Shit, I can't write all this and not say it, it's all pointless otherwise.
I've been staring at this for 10 minutes now...
This is stupid, also if you're annoyed by the layout of this whole thing, then my apologies, it's written as it comes into my head.
I think I've always known this, but denied it to myself for many and varied reasons, most of them centred around what people think and the overwhelming desire not to let people down, some of you are rolling your eyes and saying 'yeah, we get it, it's not that hard to say, it's not that big a deal' and I get that, but in my position it kind of is, and I'm sorry (another thing I do, apologise for everything...but that's a British thing too so I can't totally claim that).
There. Sorry if it's not a big deal for you, but I've spent 30 years hiding from it. Right now my whole body is shaking and I'm stopping the tears as my family are in the next room...literally FML 😔
YOU ARE READING
The Joke That Is My Life...Non-Fiction
So, this might be up for a few minutes, an hour, a year or forever...it was going to be never, but hopefully you'll see why i'm going to say 'fuck it' right now... - be kind...please...