Max

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My name is Max. I grew up in a strict, Christian home surrounded by other religious people so, obviously, to me there was nothing wrong with that lifestyle. My parents never talked to me about homosexuality and, in fact, never even gave me the sex talk so I just figured stuff out for myself.

I was born a female. Something that bothers me, really. Not that I have anything against females and their rights. Not at ALL. It's just that I was never...a real girl. I hated dresses and putting bows in my hair and all I wanted to do was play basketball with the boys on the street. The feminine pronouns and my "name" (Maleigh) always seemed to zoom right by my head. Almost me, but not quite. So, according to every intolerant Christian at my church, I was a "Tomboy".

So eventually I discovered homosexuality and transgenderism and my first reaction was "Wow. I want that." Which is odd because you'd expect for a goody goody "cis straight" to think "Ew that's not right."

But I didn't see it that way.

I did my research and thought "Well I'd date a girl. So am I gay?" But that wasn't right because I found men attractive and had a deadly crush on a boy at my church at the time (I have more of a lust towards males so I doubt I'd ever date a man). So, obviously, I just said I'm bisexual and that was that.

Now on to gender.

I still struggle with this today. The older I get the more I feel like I'm in the wrong body and the more I despise feminine pronouns. It's weird and let me tell ya, it's also hell. I hated it and still do. Luckily for me I have a face that can go either gender so I've been blessed. Regardless, I still wish I could be on testosterone.

Well I thought "Boy? Nah. I don't want to be FULL boy because I still do some girly things." Then I thought "Just a girl? But no I still hate those pronouns."

Boom.

Bigender.

Almost a perfect fit. And just like every new thing it life it takes some getting used to. I'd been trying to get my brother to call me Michael (because I thought I was a trans boy and he is either ignorant or accepting too young to tell) and soon changed my name to Max, which is pretty much gender neutral but leaning towards male. Like me.

Everything's perfect, right? Not really. I still struggle with accepting myself and worrying who to tell or if to tell anyone at all. My parents are completely unsuspecting and the few people I have told are really really accepting and ok with it. The way things look now, I'll be out of the house and on T in a few years and that sounds GREAT to me. Except I still love my parents and they would probably do some drastic things to get me to "convert". So as easy as this all sounds, it wasn't easy at all. It's not still. My journey is still continuing and these are the prime years of my life that I'm being in the closet and fearing for my life. But, even if I don't know yet, I know that I'll eventually find myself. And despite what people around me say, I know what's right. And someday, I hope that I and all my friends won't be afraid to be our true selves.

Max, @PlayerOfWorth7

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