self titled.

i haven't found a drop

song: addict with a pen

who's addicted to the wind
as it blows me back and forth
mindless, spineless, and pretend
of course I'll be here again
see you tomorrow
but it's the end of today

trigger warnings// depression, attempted suicide

< ´ >

"Joshua William Dun. Age 16. Caucasian male. Hello," The counsellor quieted just in case the young man in front of her was to reply. He didn't. "You are here because your parents found you on your bedroom floor with an empty prescription pill bottle in your hand, is that correct?"

The tired boy nodded. His colorful hair wispy in front of his brown eyes. Josh felt groggy still, his stomach churning and his skin hot. It had been quite awhile since he overdosed and he was honestly terrified to talk about it. But, his parents didn't give him a choice in the matter.

"So," the counsellor linked her fingers together. "How are you?"

The question itself was something Josh just wanted to pull from the fragments of air and memory because who knew that a question could be overused. Especially that one.

"I'm fine." And who knew an answer to a simple question could be overused aswell.

The counsellor nodded, but she didn't seem convinced. "I'm Peggy, by the way. Its nice to meet you, Joshua." She smiled a bit, her eyes searching for who knows what.

He nodded, his tired eyes meeting hers. "Its nice to meet you too." He murmured in response.

She nodded aswell, leaning backwards in her chair with her hands clasped together. "I would think you'd say that, but are you sure?"

"I said it, didn't I?" He continued to look at her, his patience beginning to wear thin. Although this was her job, couldn't she move on with the session?

Her eyes didn't change their emotion, but she did tilt her head slightly to the side. "Is there anything specific you would like to talk about?"

Instead of replying, he looked around the room. It was cozy, with a dark atmosphere that wasn't necessarily stifling. A big, overstuffed bear was sat on a little bench in the corner of the room. He wondered where it came from.

"Joshua?" He looked back at her, her face still an expressionless mask. And honestly, he didn't know how to feel about that. "Are you still here?"

He felt his eyebrows furrow at her question, looking seemingly confused. "Am I still here?"

"Are you still present, not in a metaphorical dreamland." She responded to his question.

He paused a second before nodding, not knowing whether he was faking the truth or not. "I.. Uh.. Don't really know exactly what to talk about. This is the first time I've been to a counsellor."

She nodded in understanding. "Well, how about I ask you a few questions and you answer them the best you can. Is that okay?" She looked at him questioningly.

He nodded and then cleared his throat, watching her as she crossed her legs. His nerves seemed to be climbing higher and higher as she watched him aswell.

"Why did you do it?"

That question itself seemed to make him swirl in a tidal pool of emotions. That was the first question he was asked by his parents, and it was a harsh one at that. He swallowed, feeling his knee move up and down at a rapid pace. It got so quiet, that he could hear the ticking of the clock beside him. But, he knew that Peggy wasnt going to talk until he answered.

"I did it because.... I was losing something... Or somebody, maybe." He blinked and looked away. "Like, it's hard to explain but... There's always something you should be holding on to, to keep you afloat.. And I was watching it drip from in between my fingers. I was watching it soak away."

Peggy watched him still, and he could tell and he didn't even have to look up. "What was that something?"

He scratched the back of his neck, blinking away the burning in his eyes. "It was hope. It was hope and it was all that I needed. Everybody else has something that hold on to, whether that be a human or dog or anything. Mine was hope, and it was leaving as quickly as water draining. I didn't know why, I still dont. And I don't know if I ever will."

Peggy looked a bit shocked, her words lost on her tongue. And it remained silent for a bit after, which made him quite uncomfortable.

"Joshua, I hope you know that's okay." Was what she finally said.

He shook his head slowly, opening his mouth to reply but she cut him off. "Its okay to lose hope and it's okay to feel lost. Its okay to feel like ending something that you think is just a trial in a horrible game. But, if it didn't work this time, just know that doing it again won't do you or anybody else any good."

He could feel tears in his eyes and he blinked them away, not knowing how to properly respond.

She smiled a little to be reassuring, but Joshua could see the glint of sadness in her eyes, which made him curious. But, he wouldn't ask her if she didn't already mention it to him. She sighed a bit.

"The session is over, but I'd love to talk to you again, Joshua." She stood up.

He stood too, looking at her and nodding in agreement.

< ´ >

my trial was filed as a crazy suicidal head case
but you specialize in dying, you hear me screaming "father"
and I'm lying here just crying, so wash me with your water