I tilt my face up towards the snow, letting the snowflakes land on my tongue. I can barely feel it through the numbness in my heart. I feel things of course, but it's not the same. I've done my best to stop thinking about everything. It hurts too much. It's Louis's birthday today but I can't bring myself to wish him a happy one or celebrate with him. I just feel so...hollow inside. Harry tells me that there were so many happy memories between the two of us, but so far I haven't remembered any of it. My phone buzzes.
To Clara: Where'd you go, love? Louis wanted to see you. :) <3
To Harry: I'm at the park, Harry.
He doesn't reply. I am walking around, staring at my phone and playing a random game, when I bump into someone. I look up and shut off my phone.
"I'm so sor--Jace?" I gasp and back away.
"What? My name's not Jace," the man says in a thick cockney accent. Jace's face goes away and reveals the face of a man who looks nothing like Jace. In fact, they are exact opposites. I let out a shakey breath and apologize again. "It's okay, love. Are you okay?"
"I-I'm f-fine," I reply shakily. I'm going mad, I swear. I walk around the man, taking deep breaths. It wasn't Jace, Clara. It wasn't Jace. There's no one else in the park as far as I can see, and the man I thought was Jace has left. He was probably just passing through. I try to breathe. Just breathe, Clara. Just breathe. It's really started to snow now, and the tears are freezing on my cheeks. I don't care. At this point, I don't give a fuck about anything anymore. I'm so cold--I really should have layered more. The numbness almost hurts. It would hurt if I weren't numb. Because I don't feel anything. It's just hollow, like some log that someone carved the insides out of. I fall to my knees and let out a desperate sob. I'm desperate to feel something, anything other than this numbness and despair. I lie on my back in the freezing snow, hoping the cold will pierce the walls that my body automatically put up. But there's nothing. It's just cold. It doesn't change anything. I wonder if anything will.
I check the bandages on my arm and find that they're starting to stop bleeding. I cut myself this morning. Because I wanted to feel something, just like I do now. But even that didn't help. I know it helped in the past, I remember, but for some reason this time it's not working. Nothing is.
"Niall, mate, could you help me out?" Harry asks me. "I have to meet Louis somewhere for a birthday lunch, so can you find Clara at the park? I'm worried about her, you know?"
"Yeah, of course, mate," I sigh, standing up from my depressed and lonely state. It's been fifty four days and I'm still not over Juliet. But I should get out of the house anyway so I pull on a snow jacket over my sweater and my gray beanie before walking out the door. I know where the park is, and it's definitely walking distance away. I'm terrified when I see Clara lying in the snow in the middle of the freezing park. I run over to her and find that her eyes are open and she's breathing. Thank God. I put my hand over my quickly-beating heart. She's crying. "Hi, Clara."
"Did Harry send you?" she asks, closing her eyes.
"Yes," I reply honestly.
"I'm not leaving," she states.
I lie down next to her, looking up at the clouds spitting out snow.
"What are you doing?" Clara asks me.
"I'm lying in the snow with you. Harry never said I had to take you away from the park. He just wanted me to find you," I tell her, bringing my gloved hands behind my head. She shifts uncomfortably and I chuckle softly.
YOU ARE READING
How would you feel if your whole world was ripped from under you, leaving you free falling? Wouldn't you want someone to catch you? When Clara Higgens's mom dies from an unknown disease, Clara has no where to turn, except to her new and unexpected f...