I bet all of you went through a phase where you felt completely and utterly lost. I bet most of you are going through that phase now.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you guys about my lost phase...
It was the lowest I've ever sunken; the worst I've ever felt. It all started in fifth grade, where I started feeling anxiety for the first time. I started missing a lot of school, I wouldn't socialize, I was getting panic attacks for the first time, and I had no idea what was happening to me.
I also started developing compulsions, thanks to my OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). I started doing weird things just because I felt like I had to do it, I started getting weird thoughts and I could've sworn I was going insane.
And I couldn't tell anyone about it, because how can you explain something you don't even understand yourself? But if you don't explain it, no one can understand.
So I was completely and utterly alone and lost.
There was a lot going on at home too, my sister and I fought a lot and when we fought, our parents fought. I remember always being afraid that they would finally have enough, and my dad would leave us and go back to America (we live in Norway).
I started losing friends, nobody wanted to be with me because I wasn't good at being a friend. I couldn't answer calls and I wouldn't do things with anyone outside of school, so why would anyone ever wanna be friends with me?
All of this combined made me fall into depression, to the point where I started having suicidal thoughts. It's not like I would've killed myself, but I desperately wanted to die.
And it's not like anyone would've cared anyway, right?
I was nothing more than a problem; a problem no one could understand, a problem that could never be fixed.
In sixth grade, I started understanding anxiety a bit more. I finally got "help", and was diagnosed with severe Social Anxiety Disorder and OCD. I got a better grasp at how I was feeling, and could finally try to explain to my friends what was going on.
Little did I know, I would be losing my best friend...
She found out about my anxiety, and suddenly I wasn't good enough for her anymore.
I started getting trust issues, thinking no one would ever like me if they knew about my problems... So I stopped opening up, bottling everything up inside me.
But that didn't matter; I'd rather be hurting inside than seem like a problem to everyone.
My depression got worse. There were times where I just couldn't feel anything at all. I was lost, confused, alone, empty... I didn't know what was going on with me or even who I was anymore. I would have random bursts of anger and sadness that I couldn't explain.
I guess I developed some kind of eating disorder, because I stopped eating, and wouldn't get hungry anymore. I wasn't healthy; I didn't eat or sleep enough, I was dehydrated, I was falling apart. I knew it all too well, but I didn't care. I guess a part of me was hoping that I would just die...
I couldn't understand how one human being could go through so much pain; I was sure I would just snap eventually, or maybe even kill myself.
My best friend in the entire world moved after seventh grade, and I didn't think I could ever feel more alone.
The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I was and still am a firm believer in fate, and that everything happens for a reason; that life doesn't throw anything at you that you can't handle, that things get better.
I developed a passion for writing and drawing, and I finally had a way to express my feelings and actually be happy. I changed my way of thinking, and decided to be more positive and focus on only the good things in life. It was hard at first, but it started to come naturally.
I have had enough; I wasn't gonna be sad anymore, I deserved better.
So I decided that I wouldn't let anxiety or OCD or depression or ANYTHING control my life, only myself. It's MY life, and I'm sure as hell gonna live it however the fuck I want. I won't let anything break me, I'm stronger than that.
And strangely enough, things really did get better.
I'm currently at the end of 8th grade, with plenty of friends and a BFF so I'm almost always out socializing, I even have a boyfriend!
I'm focusing on my future, trying to advance my drawing skills and saving up to move to Canada with my BFF for college, and I've never been happier!
And I thought that maybe by telling you guys about my life story, I'd possibly inspire someone that life does get better... So just remember that in your worst times, and please don't give up, 'cause life is worth living and things always get better, even if it doesn't seem so ^^
- Your one and only Kate ⭐️
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