Forgetting Roman

{thirty-eight}

{thirty-eight}

                I pumped my arms harder as my legs raced down the path. I could hear my brother’s heavy footsteps behind me catching up. Picking up my speed I rounded the bend of the trail. I could hear my brother’s deep laugh near, and before I knew it he passed me. His tall figure raced forward, his dark curls bouncing as the wind hit his face.

                “C’mon, Asp!” my brother yelled over his shoulder. “Don’t give up now, baby sis. Keep up short stuff!”

                I narrowed my eyes and pumped my arms and legs faster. I picked up the pace.

He was right.

I couldn’t give up.

++

                “So,” Parker began as he fell onto his back and exhaled heavily. We had just finished our morning five mile run. It had been a warm up for him apparently, but I was exhausted. Falling besides him on the grass, I stared at the clear blue sky. “Tell me more about school.” He said.

                “Like what?” I asked still trying to catch my breath.

                “Like your other classes, your dorm-mate, any friends, boys.” My brother teased.

                I rolled my eyes and tried to hide the smile that was threatening to cross over my lips. “Classes are fine, and Livvy and I have surprisingly gotten close.” I replied hoping my brother would miss the fact that I said nothing about boys.

                “That’s her name?” Parker asked. “Livvy? What an odd name.”

                “She’s an odd girl,” I replied with a small chuckle.

                “Is she a nice girl?”

                I shrugged, “She’s nice enough. I mean, aren’t we all mean at one point or another?”

                My brother nodded, “True.”

                “She’s honest,” I added.

                Parker nodded and stared up at the blue sky, “So any boys?” he asked being as nosey as ever.

                When I remained silent for far too long, my brother sat up and looked over at me with a knowing smile. “What’s his name?” he asked.

                I rolled my eyes and sat up as well, “You’re such a girl.” I laughed.

                Parker rolled his eyes and playfully shoved me, “C’mon, spill the beans!”

                I sighed and ran a hand over my ponytail, “His name is Declan Royce.”

                “He sounds like a rich kid,” my brother pointed out, “Is he loaded?”

                I rolled my eyes and shook my head, “No. I mean, he has money but he isn’t rolling in it. His dad works at the hospital and his mom is an artist.”

                “What type of artist?”

                “Painter,” I said as I glanced over at him with narrowed eyes. The sun was higher in the sky and I had forgotten my sunglasses so the bright light hurt my colored eyes.

                “Is he a good kid?” he asked with a serious face.

                I nodded, “He’s practically a saint.” I assured him. “Livvy was always going on about him being the sweetest guy she knew and how much he respected women. It’s true.”

                “So what’s the deal between you two then?”

                “We’re dating,” I answered with a small shrug.

                Parker arched a brow and gave me a full smile, “Nice.”

                I shrugged again before I fell back onto the soft grass.

                “Does he know?” Parker asked after a few minutes of eerie silence. I knew the question was coming, I just hoped he wouldn’t ask it. I closed my eyes and shook my head side to side, “No.”

                Besides me, I heard my older brother sigh. “Aspen…”

                I shook my head and stopped him before he could continue, “Parker, don’t.” I began as I sat back up and pushed myself to my feet. “I know what I’m doing.”

                “Do you?” my brother questioned.

                Looking down at him, I took in my brother’s strong features. His dark green eyes and strong jaw line. His tan complexion and dark curly hair. He looked more like our father, while I looked more like our mother. You couldn’t tell we were related.

                “Do you?” Parker repeated. “Aspen, if you like this kid then he deserves to know.”

                “Know about what?” I asked him. “About my abuse of alcohol and drugs, how I used to binge, or the fact that I self-harm when things get to be too much? How about the fact that I hear voices in my head? Oh, I almost forgot! How about my failed suicide attempt?”

                I was upset, but not at Parker. I was upset with myself because I knew Declan deserved to know about my fucked up past.

                Parker remained silent as he pushed himself up from the ground and brushed off the back of his track pants.

                “Ready for another five?” he asked.

                Slightly, I nodded as I met my brother’s gaze. He knew as well that I wasn’t upset with him. He knew I was upset with myself, and when I was upset with myself the voices tended to appear and when the voices tended to appear, I tended to get the urges back.

                So just liked before, we both took off running down the gravel path. Arms and legs pumping harder and harder as we ran; the anger that ran through my veins slowly disappeared. I was replaced with nothing but numbness.

                I felt nothing and I welcomed it.