When you're gone

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When you walked away, I tried to run after you. I swear.

But my legs wouldn't carry me; I felt like if I took a simple step, I would collapse.

So I stood, rooted to the floor of my living room, as my throat slowly constricted, followed by my lungs.

My breaths began to shorten, my shoulders started spasming in time with my sobbing heart.

Slowly, as if my body did not expect this at all, a single tear escaped down my cheek.

Then it consumed me.

My knees gave out and my hand rose automatically to clutch my chest, to try and claw out the burn I felt there.

My thoughts turned incoherent and I let out 4 years' worth of suffering and loneliness.

Because even though you were with me for so long, you were never completely mine.

Even though you would stand next to me and clasp my hand in yours, I could smell the unfamiliar perfume on you.

Even though you would kiss my lips, you never tried to reach my heart.

Even though you held me close in your arms, it was never enough to close the distance.

It was hard for you too. I knew that. I understood completely.

You would start muttering in your sleep, calling out for her, and I would hold you close and pretend to be her so you would not push me away.

I found the bottle containing the unfamiliar scent, and I wondered if it was really hers, or if you had bought one of the same kind.

I found the pictures on your phone, of smiles and laughter that I never got to see.

I found the scars you tried to hide; mercilessly drawn across your beautiful skin.

I found the pieces of your heart, carelessly thrown all over, just like the windshield of your car that night.

I wish that you had accepted the help that was offered to you. That you'd found the strength to overcome your demons.

I wish you'd know that no matter how much you push me away, I will always be here for you.

I want you to know, that no one has given up on you.

Me, our friends, our families; we are all here for you, and we'll never leave.

I want you to know, darling, that I will never stop loving you.

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