CHAPTER THIRTY: “REASONS”
She was sitting in her apartment, doing what she should not be doing. Something that no one should be doing when they find themselves in her situation. She was listening to old school love songs. The kind of music that no one should be listening to when they just got their heart broken. The voice of Tamia that was softly playing in the background was putting her emotions into words:
“How can you make me love you, and then just walk away?
Like you never did a thing to lead me on in any kind of way
How can you make me feel so helpless every day?
From the path you laid before me, these are things I collected along the way…
I get tears in my eyes sometimes
And I get a bad case of sleepless nights
And I get holding you on my mind
And I try to think of ways I can get you back all the time oh baby
That’s a lot of weight to carry every day
But these are things I collected along the way…”
Why, why, why did this have to happen to her? Why couldn’t she just have her moment in the car and bawl her eyes out, like Queen Latifah did in the movie Mrs. Wright? Why couldn’t she just have her moment in private? Why didn’t he stay in his place like Common? Why did he have to come out and find her crying? Why, why, why?!
It was bad enough that he dissed her but to find her crying like that, over him? She felt pathetic. Why did things like this always happen to her? What was wrong with her? If men did not ‘friendzone’ her, put her in ‘situationships’, they led her on and messed with her feelings. What…was…wrong…with…her? Was she not worthy of someone’s love? She had sincerely hoped that he was the one this time.
Another wave of tears streamed down her face as she hugged the pillow close to her chest. She was sitting in her living room on the carpet with the curtains closed. It was dark outside but she did not want to switch on the light as the darkness was a reflection of the turmoil that she was feeling inside, it suited her mood. She has been sitting in the same spot for the past two hours, looking ahead of her, staring at absolutely nothing. She was overwhelmed by the wave of emotions that she felt inside. She felt bitter, broken but most of all, she felt stupid. Stupid that she opened up her being, her sacred place and let him into her heart, her mind and into the depths of her soul. She felt stupid that she actually thought that someone like DeAndre could have sincere feelings for someone like her.
She was just a plain Jane, the typical girl next door, there was nothing glamorous or spectacular about her. She didn’t spend hours at the gym for the perfect body or go to the spa for facials, manicures and pedicures every week, her face was never beat to the gods nor was her hair on fleek. She had a body that could use some work in the eyes of society, she had a few pimples on her face, she used the minimum amount of makeup and wore her afro. That was just the type of woman that she was. Clearly he wanted more, like the woman she saw him with at the office. An elegant and professional Kelly Rowland lookalike. She was a Kelly Rowland fan and it pained her to the core that her replacement looked like the beautiful melanin goddess.
He probably wanted to break things off with her three weeks ago but didn’t know how to tell her. It took her a while but she got the daymn memo. She was slow but there was no way in hell that she was that slow. She just wished, oh how she wished that she could have handled things differently. She wished that she could have walked in there with an attitude like Cookie Lyon, said her piece and walked out of there like a boss instead of breaking down like some weakling. Daymn she needed to grow some balls and woman the hell up. She was done with being this gullible and vulnerable. She was done with building these stupid castles in the air and believing in Prince Charming and happily ever afters. Life was no a fairytale.
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For the past few years Azania Parker found herself in the same situation. A flirtationship: more than a friendship but less than a relationship. Tired of being led on only to be disappointed in the end, she completely gives up on love. DeAndre Morga...