june ; 4

183 5 15

my funeral

I had always told my mother that the thought of an open casket scared me, that by the time I am dead my soul would have left my body, leaving behind nothing but sunken eyes and a lilac tint to the skin I once lived in. She always shook her head and scolded me for even thinking of such a thing. I should've known better than to trust that she'd respect my wishes.

I watched as the people I once considered the closest to me gathered in the small room, awaiting the coffins opening. There was 10 people at the most, all of which stood within the arms of a loved one or alone in solitude with their arms tangled in front of their chest. "Just two minutes left," I heard someone call. Everyone took a deep breath simultaneously and shut their eyes briefly, I suppose they attempted to block out reality, something I was all too guilty of myself.

My sister stared at the ground beneath her feet, I hadn't seen her utter a single word, nor shed a single tear. Perhaps this was her way of grieving, or at least that's what I told myself. I think the hardest part of this all is losing her; I'll miss her smile and corny jokes. Maybe even her brownies she made all too often, I'll miss the dimples that instilled on her face as she laughed, and maybe even the way she'd say my name when she wanted something. I could feel my throat tightening and my eyes swelling, so as quickly as I could I drew my attention to anything else I could find.

I must've stared at the ceiling long enough for the casket reveal, because when I looked up again everyone had gathered around my pale body. They all turned away at once, grimacing at my appearance, 'don't worry' I thought, 'I can't believe it either.'

One by one they took turns walking up to me, having one last moment alone with me until I'd find home in the dirt. I didn't think I'd need to, but I found myself mentally preparing for what they may say. Would they make me regret it? — No, of course not, nothing they could ever say would change my mind. It's already far too late for second chances.

My mother was first to gain enough courage to see me, she'd always been so strong, and it's one of the many things I admired about her. "Oh yazzy," she whispered. "You didn't deserve this, any of it. You didn't — don't deserve all the pain" She shook her head in disbelief. "Why didn't you come to me? We could've fought through this together, like we always did" She sighed, wiping the tears that cascaded down her cheeks away. "I love you, don't forget it, ever" She placed a kiss on my forehead and walked straight out of the room. She must really be hurting I thought.

They continued to say the same thing over and over, it felt as if no one actually cared to share their last thoughts and instead took the time to belittle me for making such a 'stupid' decision, and they wonder why I never spoke to them about anything.

I rolled my eyes and sat in the corner of the room, trying to avoid my own face, which is funny since I always wondered what I looked lie in the eyes of others, but not today, today I desired nothing more than to be wished goodbye and forgotten.

An hour had passed, and I had finally reached the one person I wanted to speak to the most. His dark orbs were glazed, and the purple beneath his eyes stood out prominently, I had wondered what must've deprived him of so much sleep, I know he would have called me and told me what was on his mind if he were given the chance. I smiled for a mere second, reminiscing on all of our spur of the moment three am phone calls where we poured out our thoughts and hearts to one another.

"Wanna know a secret?" He asked, pausing for a second, as if he were expecting an answer. "I got the call the next morning, I had just finished soccer practise and I heard my phone ringing, I won't lie, I was ready to chop the head off whoever decided to call that early. Then I saw it was your mums number, I don't really know what I was expecting, probably to hear your groggy morning voice explain how you had lost your phone or threw it into a pit of fire, you're pretty unpredictable if I may say" He laughed, almost painfully. "I picked up, and for about two minutes all I could hear was sniffles, thinking it was you I started trying to calm you down, to see what went wrong. Then I heard her clear her throat, and all at once, as fast as she could she whispered; 'she's gone' at first I was confused, my first instinct was to ask if you had run away, but I knew it was something deeper than that, I just couldn't let myself believe it" He ran his fingers through his hair, letting heavy breaths escape his lips.

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