the failings of a surgically healed heart | a collection

1 | when i have fears that i may cease to be

i think about death all the time,

far more than a seventeen year old ought to

(even if the 17-year-old is me)

//

[translation]

yes, i've always had these points in my life
where i think about its finality

(incessantly, obsessively, unhealthily)

//

what is different about this instance,
is three things:

1) the recent passing of my best friend's grandma -

which was an unexpected reminder of my own mortality.

2) my religious, moral and philosophical studies teacher'

(who is a devote catholic);

3) the prognosis by my heart failure consultant, following the replacement of my valve,

who predicts i will need a pacemaker in the next half a decade –

and a transplant at age forty

//

which is to say,
as the years go on, less and less is my heart my own

what makes it worse, is my belief in god –

or lack of it.

something i wrestle with each time thoughts of death overwhelm me.

//

as of late, i am trying to come to terms with the idea
i really do not know:

a) i do not know if God exists,

b) i do not know if i will die with my own heart -

or with someone else's,

c) i do not know if i will ever cease my obsession with death -

until i am dead.

//

all i know is this:

i.) i am trying to be better.

ii.) it will take time.

perhaps more time than the universe has for me.

- (bonus) and i am (trying) to be okay with that

--
I might still edit this one because it feels sparse in some parts but awk well. I'll publish it now and address that later.

Special shout out to: holoalura

I see you voting all the time, and even though you don't tend to comment the consist support on this collection means the world I truly hope you've enjoyed my poetry, thank you so very much.

- E. V. E