Chapter 19 | Can I Tell You A Secret

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It's a pain I've never felt before.

Utter agony crawling to make a home in my body and blossoming like a thorny stem.

"Sage? Honey?"

My mothers voice is like a mere whisper compared to the hurricane going on inside my head. My ears are ringing like I'd been to a wild concert, minus the lingering buzz of adrenaline. Instead it's more like after an explosion, having to deal with the aftermath of the damage.

I try to look at her, I try to say something, and I try to not cry but the tear stains on her cheeks only make it harder.

"A-Are you sure it's not just a mistake?" I stutter, chin trembling.

She shakes her head, eyes filled with grief and tears. "No, sweetie... I lost the baby."

A sob slips past my lips, having to sit down on the hospital bed she's sprawled out on before my legs give out on their own.

I didn't even know my unborn sibling, let alone have any awareness that I loved it; when it's already gone and there isn't a single thing I can do about it, but I feel absolutely heartbroken and empty.

"How?" I cry, feeling her fingers tangle with mine. "I-I mean you were both healthy the other day."

My mom tries to smile but the sadness weighs it down. "There has been problems from the beginning. Turns out I was under too much stress and the baby just couldn't take it."

I stand abruptly, raking my hands through my champagne colored hair, tugging roughly at the ends. My feet move on their own accord to pace the room. There was something I could have done, wasn't there? I shouldn't have given her such a hard time. I shouldn't have basically told my mom that she's the reason our family isn't one anymore.

In a way, this is my fault.

"I'm so sorry." I blubber, not able to make eye contact with her, guilt eating me alive.

"Sweetie, please come here." Her voice trembles, pulling the blanket back to make room. She sighs when it becomes apparent I'm not able to sit down at the moment. "Don't be sorry, Sage. If anyone should apologize, it's me. Bringing a baby into this mess never would have been fair to it, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't already love it with all my heart."

"Me too."

Calling the baby an it felt so cold and uncaring; distant. I wish more than anything we had known the gender.

"What the hell happened?" Noah's worried voice floats through the room as he rounds the corner in a rush, hand-in-hand with a very intoxicated Jordan. My brother's eyes flit to our mom, love filling them to the brim. "Are you okay?" He asks, sitting his swaying boyfriend down on the couch before holding her face in his palms.

"I need some air." I choke out, feeling a bit more relief to know that Noah is here to take care of her now.

"Sage?" My mother asks and I halt in the threshold of the doorway, looking over my shoulder at her. "Will you be okay?"

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