Loneliness couldn't just be defined as the act of being alone, or feeling isolated from your surroundings. Loneliness to me was being surrounded by people, but feeling emptiness in my heart. Nothing made me feel comforted, or more safe than when I had my girls with me. They weren't here, and every day away from them, just made me feel even more empty than the day before.
Being surrounded everyday by strangers, learning new names and trying to fit into this group of people, was intimidating on it's own. That, on top of trying to get used to the foreign world of scripts and directors, was burying me a little deeper, into the hole of darkness I found myself trapped inside. Mentally and physically this was all taking a toll on me, and I couldn't wait for it to finally be over.
As I sat on set between scenes, five weeks into filming, Jen had sent me a video of Mia crawling. Something that was meant to make me smile, and fill with pride, only threw on another shovel of dirt on top of my already filling hole of darkness. Every single thing I was missing out on, chipped away a little more at my heart. I wanted them both here with me, as selfish as that was of me to feel. I knew Jen was back at work in a couple of days, so it was an impossible wish for me to long for.
I watched the video over and over again, like self punishment for even agreeing to take on this project, when I knew how long I'd be gone for, and I knew deep down I probably wouldn't handle the separation. At least the movie didn't entail me cracking jokes, and smiling in every scene. The seriousness and despair wasn't an act, not really.
"What's got you all down, Styles?" Bradley, one of my co-stars smirked in my direction.
Couldn't say I was much of a fan of him. If I didn't have to be around him everyday, he wouldn't be someone I would gravitate towards in terms of friendships. He was my age, but ten times less mature. His goal was to bed as many women as he could, before the age of twenty five. Some kind of tally he had going on with his mates. From what I heard, he was winning, due to his filmography records.
"Nothing. Just missing home," I shrugged, not wanting to get into too much detail.
"You've got a kid or something, don't you?" He questioned me.
"Yes, a daughter. She's just about six months."
"At least you're getting a break from the crying, and shitty nappies, hey," he laughed, like it was a blessing to be away from her.
"I presume you're not a father!" I stated, bluntly.
"Nope, I'm not stupid enough to have kids this young. I've still got a whole life to live mate, before I start thinking of kids. No offence or anything."
"None taken," I rolled my eyes.
There was no point talking to him about the joys of being a father, and the pride you felt watching your child reach milestones. He'd never even come close to understanding what it was like to be away from your flesh and blood, and missing out of things you wanted to witness. He was a tosspot, not even worth the argument.
"I will say though Styles, your girl is pretty fit. You know what they say about Australian girls," he winked.
"No, I really don't. I don't want to know, either," my hand clasped around my phone, probably cutting off circulation from the tight grip I had, to keep me from punching this guy in the face.
YOU ARE READING
With the future looking uncertain at the end of Something Greater - the second book in the Something Great trilogy - has Jenelle survived the dark turn her labour has taken, or is Harry set to be a single father? Life has now become a balancing act...