Cuddle Bunny

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 I was lonely. I had nothing to hold onto except the pillow. On this night, I just wanted someone to be with. It would be really nice to be able to come home and have someone here or to be able to know that soon someone else would be coming through the door to be with me.

Laying in my bed. Sitting on the couch. Eating food. Watching Netflix. Watching movies. Being in this small space. Nothing helped with the loneliness. Being here all alone was suffocating, and I needed some way to escape. I needed a way to live and breathe.

This pain in my chest spreading through my body, aching for the touch of someone else who wasn't coming, and would never be coming. Right now, what I needed was someone who would take me into their arms, hold me close, and tell me that I'm alive and not dead inside. That's how I felt.

Dead inside.

I grabbed my phone, charging on the nightstand. It was 9. I should be asleep, but I can't. This happens frequently. I opened it and pressed the app I knew was there from memory.
The screen popped up, I looked at the screen I'd seen so many times. I tapped the guys tab and searched for the ones that were in my area. I chose a random one. His picture and location appeared. I got dressed and went on my way.

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I arrived to the place, apartment 3B. The mahogany door was beautiful. It almost made me want to live me myself. I knocked on the door. Three hard knocks. Thump. Thump. Thump.

I waited for the moments to pass, and the door opened to reveal the most beautiful man that I'd ever seen. He had wavy brunette hair, a few locks falling over his right eye. His smile was radiant as he looked at me.

"Hi, my name's Kris." His voice was like honey. It was sweet, but had a grainy flavor to it. I could probably listen to him forever and not get tired. "Hello?" he had a confused look on his face.

I was staring at his perfect face. He really was a very handsome man. I wanted to roll around with him. I shook my head. I was doing it again.

"I'm sorry. Hi, my name is Matthew." I reached out to shake his hand and he shook mine. He stepped aside and I walked in. The living room was nice. It had a brown theme going through the room. It was comfortable.

"So, what do you want to do?" He looked me in the eyes, his eyes were pretty too. They were a shade of sky blue like I'd never seen before.

I knew what I wanted, I just hoped he would be okay with it. "Would it be okay if I laid on your chest? Shirtless?" I looked at him, and his eyes widened. I guess I caught him off guard.

"Okay. I guess." I wasn't so sure it was, based off of his response, but I needed this. I needed the comfort or I didn't know how I was going to survive.

We moved to the bed, and I wanted this to be a little quick since I was being charged by the minute. One dollar per minute, to be exact. It was worth it, but it sure wasn't cheap.

I watched as he reluctantly took off his shirt, and I looked at his also perfect body. Inside my head, I swooned, but outside I knew I had to keep my face trained in an uninterested facade so not to scare him. He laid on the bed, and I got in too.

I laid my head on his chest, his pec firm and perfectly placed to my preference. I wrapped my arms around his waist and tangled my legs with his. I snuggled myself closer and closed my eyes.

"Do you do this sort of thing...often?" His voice rumbled through his chest and into my ears. I nodded, not wanting my voice to ruin this experience. This was perfect, and I just wanted to be here for a few moments to an hour until my emotions and body got back on track.

"Do you have any siblings?" I shook my head to answer his question. I felt his arm hovering over me, unsure of where to land. I didn't lead him. I wanted it around me, but even with having done this before I didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

A couple of minutes in silence passed, his chest rising and falling rhythmically. I could hear his heart beating at a steady pace. Why can't I have this for real? Why is it that I need to keep doing this as my only comfort? If I had someone who loved me, I wouldn't have to rely on strangers that are uncomfortable with holding my close. I also wouldn't leave these sessions feeling more worthless than I entered.

"Okay. I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I thought I could when you popped up on my screen, but I can't. This is too weird." I nodded. This isn't the first time.

I got up from the bed and began to walk the same path I took to get here. Why does this always happen? Aren't there any gay guys or people willing to hold me? Am I that worthless? I do everything right. I follow the law. I do as I'm told, and I try to make good decisions everyday. I sighed. This was my life. Maybe I should just stop trying.

I made it to the door and all the locks on the door would've taken me forever to figure out if not for Kris stepping in front of me and opening all of them for me. I walked out of the apartment, feeling numb and rejected. Every single guy that I'd ever tried to do this with always ends up asking me to leave.

"It's not on you." I turned to look at him. He was uncomfortable. I got it.
"I know. This isn't the first time that someone had cut a session short. Everyone does it. It's okay." I turned and walked away. The door shut behind me, and I took a giant gulp of air to try not to cry.

I looked at my phone and replied to the app. I gave him 5 stars and a $20 tip. I commented, "He was really nice."

Reaching the elevator, I pressed the button to call it to come up. I was waiting.

"Matthew!" I turned quickly, hearing my name. Kris was running, and the elevator dingged. The doors slid open and I stepped into it. I just wanted to go home and cry. I wasn't ever going to use this app ever again. It doesn't work for me, and no one wants to let me feel better. It wasn't worth it.

Kris stepped into the doorway of the elevator, just as the doors were beginning to close. "Why did you tip me $20? I don't deserve it. I kicked you out and didn't finish the session."

"You deserve it. You were kind and you actually did complete a request of mine. I just figured that since you actually let me stay for a while, you had to be a nice guy. You deserve it." I looked down at my shoes. I didn't want to look at him, and I could feel the tears threatening to spill.

"Come back." I shook my head. "Come back to my apartment and let me at least finish the 20 minute session. Please." I sighed and nodded.

"Okay." We walked back into the apartment and got back into the same position as before. "Just make sure that I'm only here for 20 minutes. I don't want to be a bother." I closed my eyes and relaxed.

The wake 20 minutes never came.

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My eyes opened and I saw the daylight streaming through the window. I looked around and saw that this was not my room, but I felt calm. I was relaxed and comfortable. I was content with just being here, and I couldn't have asked for better in this moment.

Just make sure that I'm only here for 20 minutes. I jumped up, causing the arm around my torso to shoot back to its owner. I looked around for my wallet, phone and keys. "What's wrong?" Kris' voice groaned from the bed.

"You were supposed to wake me up in twenty minutes." I couldn't find my stuff anywhere.

"Yeah, but I liked the way that you felt in my arms so I let you stay." I looked over to him. My heart beat at a hyper pace.

"What?"

"Your skin was so soft, and you looked adorable sleeping that I didn't see anything wrong with letting you stay." I nodded. I didn't know what to say.

I looked down to see my stuff scattered all over.

"You can stay," Kris said. "Today is Saturday, and I have nothing to do. Do you want to stay? We can cuddle some more and watch movies in bed." He was enticing. I had no other option but to take his offer.

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