Never • The Lost Daughter | A Draco Malfoy Love Story

Chapter 80 - The Last Letter

It had been only a night since we found a shelter here, back to the Order's Headquarters. As soon as we arrived and got sure that there was no one here, the only thing that everyone did was getting some sleep. I couldn't sleep. I found a quiet room up the stairs where I was sure the others wouldn't hear me and I just drown myself in tears of sorrow and pain and loss.

I was always ashamed whenever I cried. Somehow I felt it made me weak. It was what Draco always bullied me by saying when I lost my parents. I was not supposed to be crying, because there was always something else to do first. Get up from getting tortured, collect your broken skull, look fierce when your father's looking at you. Don't cry over Albus' body; people are looking. When I shed tears, it was the face of my weaknesses.

If I wanted to calm myself, I would say that it was too weak and foolish of me. I could say that I hated him, that I had gotten over Draco before he was killed. But I was tired of lying to myself; I was tired of myself.

I always came first. My needs and my duties. I pressured him to leave his family, I underestimated his fears. He should have been the one who had followed me because why wouldn't he? We were the good guys, fighting supremacists and homicidal maniacs. We were the heroes. Who wouldn't want that? It was these ideals that had brought us here. It was this idea of the leader some people wished I was that had built my ego higher than my love for Draco. When I left him, I knew he would be murdered. I still didn't care. I put my egoism above him. 

I should have told him that I love him. That I would never let anyone harm him. And if our fate wanted us to be murdered by Voldemort, then let it be. We would die together.

I should have told him that I would never leave him for one more time and repeat our safeword until it lost it's meaning. Never. Never. Never. I should have whispered it and shouted it and yelled it at the top of my lungs. I should have loved him more. I should have kept my promises.

"Do you want me to leave?" I noticed that Harry was in the room only when I saw him standing next to the door. I knew he wasn't that sad that Draco died, but I also knew he was ready to cry himself, only because he looked at my face.

"No, you can stay. I can use some talk," I answered. He sat beside me and stared for a moment. "It's the 31st of August," I realised.

"Yeah, what about?" asked Harry.

"Tomorrow I'm leaving. I am going back to Hogwarts," I said steadily when I managed to put these things out of my mind for a moment.

"What? You can't go back there! You know that there will be Death Eaters there and they will arrest you! He wants you with him, Annalise, you won't give yourself to them!" he said quickly.

"Hey, listen! First of all, I've talked with the Order and we all agree that they need someone into the school so they can know what's going on, first hand. And Remus says that if I go there, maybe I could bring the children a bit of hope. I mean, they need someone to count to. It would be best if it was you but it won't. It will be me."

"Well, you won't be able to do anything because they will arrest you as soon as you set foot in Hogwarts, or better say Platform 9 and ¾," he insisted.

"I've worked so much in visions and I don't see them arresting me for the first two months at least," I said.

"Are you joking, Annalise? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? Do you understand the danger you would be into? No! I won't let you go back there. No matter what the Order has agreed. And I can't count into a vision."

"Harry, I'm not you," I said, and my words stopped him at once. "All they want is you. They don't have a reason to get me. They don't need to. Besides, from the moment I set foot in Hogwarts, they'll know I'm theirs. Hogwarts will be my prison and I know that. I've seen a vision of Voldemort ordering the stuff to treat me the way I deserve.