Chapter 7 Edited


Continued


I slept in the same position had I stayed in all night. One hand curled around Cameron's and my head close to his and still sitting on the stool. It had been a long night. Knowing that the doctors had given Cameron only 48 hours to live, the one time he decides to fight, the one damn time he has something to fight for...it was killing me inside. The simple thought that maybe if I hadn't have decided I didn't want this child he might have stayed alive, it was like I had killed him.

''The crafty smoke that made us choke...''

I listened as a low tune of I wish I Stayed was murmured by my ear. I smiled at the familiar voice.

I opened my eyes slowly and watched as Cameron eyes on mine and a sly smile cracking on his face glanced at me and said;

''Trying to wake you, is like trying to wake the dead'', he said and he tightened his grip on my hand. I jumped up and hugged him tightly. He looked so tire, fragile and frail but I wasn't anyway gentle with my hug, I wanted him to feel me.

''OI'', He laughed. ''I'm not a rag doll'', He said as I sat back down on the stool.

I just looked at him trying to memorize every angle, dint, freckle and blemish on his face for the fear of forgetting him was awful.

''I guess they told you then'', He said as his smiled leveled out slowly.

I scratched my forehead, I was consumed by my thoughts and so full of tears I had to keep myself under control.

''They did'', I choked out unable to admit it to myself fully for fear I might breakdown in front of Cameron.

''Mom knows'', He said.

''I know she told me'', I whispered.

''No about the baby'', He said a smile breaking on his forlorn face.

My heart stopped for a minute and I sat there numb as I felt my stomach dethatch itself from my body and crawl into the deep dark corners of guilt that clouded my body.

''She said she will help you, she actually smiled for once'', He said and those sky blue eyes sparkled with what little fluid was in his drained body.

I didn't have the heart to tell him, but I couldn't not tell him.

''Cameron...I want to give the body up for adoption'', I blurted out and I watched as his face cracked and a scowl formed on his face and he pulled away from me and placed his hands on his stomach between where his hip bones stuck out obviously through the light hospital gown. He turned slightly only so his eyes were turned directly towards me.

''You are disgusting'', He said looking nausea's. ''You are giving away a life...Handing it away'', He looked like if he could he would have strangled me to death by now.

I could feel the tears searing the back of my eyeballs yearning to seek solace through leaving my body.

''Cameron'', I said and the tears fell. ''I just...I just won't be any good to the child, I don't want it, never did. The only reason I want it now is to keep a part of you alive, the part I loved, the part I constantly refer to so I can block out your sick evil side which caused this'', I spat out regretting it instantly. Walking on eggshells around Cameron trying to make his last hours beautiful had crashed horribly in the past 30 seconds.

Cameron sat still, his face had numbed I could see the pain in his eyes. I shouldn't have done that, but it was the truth and I believe I'd never forgive myself if I one had given the baby up without telling Cameron before hand in any capacity and two if I had never told him my true feelings.

''Kira I think you should go get a coffee'', Johnny said appearing behind me, looking sad and pitiful of Cameron.

Cameron's eyes followed me, I could feel him burning two holes into my side as I walked quickly through the curtains and focusing on the wall outside so I couldn't see the sickness all around me. I feeling was washing over me. I just wanted to end it all now. Now before Cameron could die, before my parents find out about the baby...before the baby. I stood in the hallway tears still rolling from my eyes. People looking at me with sympathetic faces and I felt worse because I didn't deserve their pity I had brought this on myself.

I slowed my pace and walked slowly towards the exit. I couldn't be that selfish to kill myself now, whilst Cameron was suffering and dying involuntarily it would be so wrong of me. As I hit the fresh air I could feel where the tears were dying into the skin. A took a seat beside an old lady as she puffed on a menthol cigarette. She looked at me and smiled.

''Hello darling'', She said offering me a cigarette. I nodded and smiled as she closed the little box and put it back into her large coat. Her Pearl colored hair bristly and her worn and wrinkled face, the remnants of a lifelong lived.

''What has you here, you look OK?'', She said cracking a smile.

I coughed lightly not wanting to sound like a frog on cocaine.

''My friend'', I said and she nodded understandingly not wanting anymore information.

''I see'', she said squinting her left eye.

She smiled at me once more and pushed herself off the bench and letting out a light groan and a little cracking as she stood. She turned to me.

''Stay safe, tell your friend I said it can only get better'', She said winking at me. ''Oh'', she said ''and don't forget to start drinking some cod liver oil around 8ish months, the baby will just slide out'', She chuckled and she hobbled back through the front doors of the hospital. I sat there confused but somehow enlightened.

We were just teenagers. We are over reacting teenagers. It's only a baby.

Shit what am I saying?

''Kira'', Johnny said appearing again. Jesus he is everywhere.

''Cameron wants you'', He said looking at me with a face that was filed with tiny stabbing knifes.

I walked up to him and kept my head low. I don't know what to do. Keep this baby to satisfy Cameron...the one who raped me in a deranged moment and caused this whole situation and despite wanting this child is due to die any minute now...Or give the baby up adoption and find a family who want this child more than anything in the world, even more than Cameron wants it.

All I knew was as I walked back behind the curtains to face Cameron it looked like he'd made the decision for me.

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