Bitter Sweet Love. Part 2, Chapter 5.

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Chapter 5 Edited.

Kira's Point of View.

''Johnny what have you done to yourself?'', clasping my hand over my mouth.

''I wasn't me, Paisley messed the place up. She had a freak out!'', He said playing innocent.

''Johnny'', I cried ''Why are you doing that to yourself?'', I could feel the tears bubbling over.

I couldn't understand why he would want to hurt him. I turned and went o run out the front door. Johnny grabbed me as I reached the front door.

''Get off me'', I snarled.

''Do I make you life that miserable'', I cried.

''No'', He said give me a chance to explain he whispered flattering my hair.

I pushed past him and went into his over decorated sitting room. I flopped down on the couch and I turned to face him.

''Explain to me why you cut yourself!'', I snapped.

''Kira it's nothing to do with you'', he said defensively.

''Well then what?'', I asked.

''It started when my father died'', he said and he hung his head low and sat down beside me.

''The day I went to see him in the morgue, I saw his cuts, bruises and gashes and what I couldn't understand was that through this he looked happy and peaceful. I guess at that time it hadn't registered with me that he was dead so I connected harm with a peaceful feeling'', He said looking as confused as I did.

''When I realized that Dad was dead, I stood there at his grave as they shoveled in the gravel and I felt this overwhelming sadness, I want to jump in and pull him out and shake him and tell him to wake up and not leave me here, but of course that wasn't going to happen. I cried silently never wanted people to know I was crying. My mother was on her knee's crying her heart out and I was her comfort so I could not falter and cry. Paisley was only around 5 at the time, she was wondering around graves collecting spare flowers and she returned with the largest bunch of flowers you ever seen. I remember it to this day, She knelt down beside the grave as the top was leveled and she whispered; ''don't forget me Daddy, I brought you some flowers I hope you like them'' and she lay them down beside the wooden cross, that had Dads name engraved on it, we couldn't afford anything better at the time and my Mother brought us home'', he said snapping out of his day nightmare.

''From that day forward whenever I felt pain, whenever I felt sadness or any emotion I didn't want to feel I would cut myself and It was a release like the emotion ran out of me with the blood'', he said staring straight ahead.

I didn't know what to say, what I could say. ''I understand'' when I truly didn't.

''I reached over for his and I turned him around to me. I pushed back the sleeves on both his arms. I looked at his butchered skin. Flat pink lines showed me recently healed cuts, the raised white lines told me he had had a bad time and he cut deep, the different skin tones of brown scars and white scars and pink lines scared me. I looked at the arm where he had just cut himself moments before. I felt sick, how could he inflict such pain on himself. He was worth more than this.

''Johnny, please stop doing this to yourself'', I pleaded staring him dead in the eyes.

He looked away from my iron steel gaze.

''I will not promise you because it's a devil inside me, I have not yet been able'', to control he said pushing his sleeves back down hiding scars and reminders of the past.

I thought to myself try living with one growing inside you. I didn't want to admit it but I did not want this baby at all. I was afraid to tell Cameron, but I wanted to say it to Johnny.

''Johnny, I want to give it up for adoption'', I spurted it out.

''What?'', he said staring at me now in shock.

''I can't raise this baby'', I said I could feel tears burning again.

All I did was cry these days.

''Look at the circumstances'', I said.

''I'm a mess'', I said with a smile as the tears rolled down my cheeks.

Johnny dried them with his fingers.

''What about Cameron?'', he asked knowing that Cameron was dead set on being around for this baby.

''I want an open adoption'', I said I had thought this through every time I was alone. I had looked into it on the internet and I wanted to tell Cameron, but I knew it would crush him.

''I want to see the child grow, even if its only via pictures and I want it to know who its parents were, but I just can't raise it'', I said lowering my head in shame.

Johnny lifted up my head.

''It's your choice Kira'', he said kissing me on the forehead.

''How am I going to tell Cameron without killing any motivation he has to stay alive'', I whispered knowing I could do damage by telling him. People would say, why you care, he technically raped you. That was true but I can't explain it I can't hate him, I love him, not like I used to but I cannot explain why I forgave him or continue to care but I do.

''We will go together'', He said.

I didn't know if that was a good idea, but Johnny was the only real friend I had right now so I nodded agreeing.

''Can we do it today'', I said worried.

He looked skeptical ''If that's what you want?'', He asked.

''It is'', I said standing up.

''We can't leave yet'', He said.

''Why not?'', I asked.

''Paisley'', He said nodding towards the mess in the kitchen.

''She didn't really do that did she?'', I asked.

''She did'', She said solemnly.

Johnny had explained to me about Paisley about how she had swings where she would just go crazy and I was shocked. I didn't know what to say other than our lives are fucked up. Johnny said by 9pm his mother would be home so we had a long night ahead of us. I didn't know how Cameron was going to take this, but with only 5 months left, and the weight starting to creep on my parents were going to have to be told and I wanted Cameron's support in my choice before I had to face the wrath of my volatile parents. I rubbed my stomach gently and I whispered to myself;

''Its not that you're not wanted, but someone will appreciate you more'', that was the best thing I could tell the life growing inside me.

It was the best way to sum up the complicated situation that was my life. My phone rang and woke me from my day dreaming.

''Cam's Mom'' appeared on screen as my phone vibrated. I answered it quickly.

''Hello'', I said.

''Kira'', She began ''Cameron's taken bad, can you get to the hospital quickly'', she cried.

''Yes, yes'', I said quickly.

''Thank you'', She said and the line went dead.

''JOHNNY'', I screamed and he ran into the room.

I jumped up and ran to the front door.

''Cameron's in hospital'', I shouted and he grabbed his car keys as I flung the front door open and ran to the car. I pulled the car door open and jumped in and I started to cry.

Johnny jumped in silently and turned on the car.

What was going on? I didn't know but I had a terrible feeling.

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