16) 'Gay Or Just European?' And Other Questions You Don't Need The Answers To...

7.1K 644 657
                                                  

16)'Gay Or Just European?' And Other Questions You Don't Need TheAnswers To Anymore


"Can I come?" Asked Martin as soon as Benjamin dropped the date news to the squad. He did it over Skype, because in that way his pillows would support him and running away wouldn't require as much exercise. And he knew that he'd probably need it.

A loud sigh echoed through Pi's mic. "Martin, please. You're not that dumb."

"Maybe I am."

The two argued for seven straight minutes about whether Martin was indeed that dumb. Meanwhile, Benjamin sat in silence and Heston drew a pony in a meadow.

Heston showed his drawing to the remaining three and yelled, "look!" which shut both Pi and Martin up.

Pi swallowed. "Anyways... Ben. You. On a date. How."

"I can help," Martin began, "if I can only—"

"JESUS, Martin, you're not invited!" Pi yelled loudly, so much so that Heston flew off his chair to take cover, his hands over his ears. Martin mumbled something about letting Benjamin speak for himself.

"Where's Messiah, anyway?" asked Benjamin.

This turned the attention back on him. Kind of, anyway. "Church, probably," replied Martin, "or maybe he's setting burger stands on fire again."

"Probably the latter."

"Yeah."

"Or maybe both."

"By the way, anyone has a spare shiny Greninja?"

"I bought this BDSM chess set the other day."

"Cool."

So they were kind of getting off-topic. They kind of had been for hours, but going from vegan terrorism to Pokémon to sexualized board games ought to break a record. Kind of. Probably. Probably not.

The only way Benjamin could get them back on track was by asking a specific question. At least that gave them something to focus on with their easily distracted minds. "So where should we go?"

"Who's we?" asked Martin.

"Ben and Thijmen!" Pi reminded him.

"Right, of course. You should come to the field behind my house and have a PB&J picnic there or something. Better yet, I'll make the sandwiches and bring them to you."

"You're not going with them on their date," Pi groaned exasperatedly.

"He's also gay," said Heston.

But he wasn't the protagonist, so this passed by unnoticed.

"Maybe something classic," Pi continued, deciding that, ultimately, arguing with Martin was like trying to breathe on Pluto, "Like, uh... I don't know. He doesn't seem like a movie sort of guy. Or a park sort of guy."

"He said he wanted me to take him to the park and treat him like a princess," said Benjamin.

The gang was spooked.

"Go to Disney?" propositioned Heston.

"Too expensive," said Benjamin.

"Venice, Italy?"

"Even worse."

"My mom and dad went there last year, but they rented me a separate room. I wonder why."

"Wait wait, let's keep it PG, please."

"PG? Pretty gay?"

"Like Benjamin."

None the WorseWhere stories live. Discover now