Chapter 10- You're Just Like Her:

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Chapter 10- You’re Just Like Her

            Although I seemed to be just about on the verge of death, I could not have a peaceful dream.

            In my dream, I found myself sinking. I was back in the ocean, losing consciousness and oxygen and I was trying to find a way out of the truck. I felt myself moving around, thrashing violently as I struggled to survive. I could see red water on one side of me. It was from the gash in the side of my head. My muscles ached. My lungs burned. My head throbbed painfully. And then I stopped moving. I didn’t have any fight left in me. I had realized at that point that I was just trying to avoid the inevitable, and my body and mind had finally given up. I found myself accepting the fact that I was going to drown—even welcoming the thought. It was finally going to be over. I was tired. I could finally rest. The burning in my lungs was beginning to fade away. The throbbing in my head seemed to die down. The ache in my muscles went away and my whole body felt like jelly, inside and out. I closed my eyes. The water was no longer cold. It was comfortable. It was peaceful. It just felt…right. Everything was muted in the ocean. I couldn’t hear anything. Not the waves drawing towards the cliff to crash into the rocks. Not the beat of my own heart. Not even my own breath. And I relished in every moment of it. I let myself relax. All I could think that I was grateful to die.

I woke up to sparks. Not literally, but it seemed like it to me. And that was enough to land me on the floor in front of the couch with my head practically on the verge of blowing up. I automatically groaned as I struggled to pick myself up off of the floor, but after a second, I didn’t have to. Someone else picked me up and helped me back onto the couch. My eyes glanced up to see who it was and I almost had a heart attack. Jake sat next to me on the couch, looking at me with concern, his eyes darting around my face.

            “You okay?” he asked. I was speechless. I couldn’t believe that he was actually here helping me and worrying about me. The memories of the day I left washed over me and I felt my heart begin to race in my chest. Even after all of the terrible things I said to him, he was still worried about if I was hurt or not. How was he not completely disgusted by me? How could he even stand to look at me, let alone touch me? If I was him, I’d be disgusted with me. I wouldn’t want anything to do with me.

            I found myself nodding, still unable to speak with actual words. He was so beautiful; my memories didn’t do him justice. I’d noticed then that he had facial hair. It looked good on him. His eyes still pierced straight through my body, as if they were reading each and every secret I’d ever hidden inside of me, seeing straight through my soul. I’ve always loved his eyes. Nothing else could compare to them, or to him. How could I have ever left him? Just thinking about it made my chest tighten and it put a dead weight in my stomach. I felt like vomiting.

            “Cass, I need you to keep your eyes on me. Don’t close them,” he ordered. I immediately listened to him and did as he said. He sighed heavily after looking into my eyes for a while. “You shouldn’t have gone to sleep.”

            That was the understatement of the century. Not only did my head hurt, but my chest felt like something was pressing down on it, as if something was trying to crush the air out of me. I felt the same way when I was practically brought back to life by Alex. I couldn’t help the shiver that ran through me as I thought about my “dream”. It scared me so badly, I found myself clinging to Jake’s shirt for comfort and support. I had been so happy to die, so relieved. I let myself give up on all thoughts of life. Not even my mind protested. It’d felt so natural—almost as natural as breathing. I knew that it was nothing more than just a dream. But I’d also felt the same way when I’d actually been drowning.

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