being the strong one

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so this rant is really raw. like extremely raw. like tear my heart out and throw it at the screen and watch it smear down onto the keyboard raw. and that is how it will stay kids.

you know what really pisses me off? being the "strong one". the one that everyone looks at to remain level headed. because when you lose your shit....well, they think that you are at the end of sanity and will likely not get it back. maybe not. maybe so. i think so, you just sort of need to have some faith. faith in what i have no idea but maybe that is why they think we are the strong ones, the ones that sort of get thte things done and such.

well, i am not getting anything done today folks. i think i may have lost it. maybe. most definately. or maybe i am just broken. temporarily.

i have been back in the hospital. for a week. beside my grandfather who went into emergency the same day as I did. only difference is....I came home. i will stay home. he went to another home. he will stay there. and i am not strong anymore. i am not the strong one and i am so sick of people looking at me like i have a second head because i am an emotional mess. let people break down for the love of all that is worth breaking down over.

i don't have any clue why i am sharing this here, although it may be the anonimity of being able to rant about idiots who want certain people to remain the rock when they need a chance to sit and cry like a baby. to sit and sob and blubber and yell that even though he was in his late eighties, that he was in so much pain, that he waited until i said goodbye to him and then went catatonic or whatever the hell you call it after i talked to him and told him that i would be okay, that I couldn't complain about my life and that i love him unconditionally...that he waited or did not wait or whatever i want to tell myself. i have the same god damn right to break down and cry just like all those other soft noodles out there. i am not a rock...my heart is not a rock. these tears are not rocks but they weigh so much that it hurts to feel them dripping off the tip of my nose right now. that is how strong the strong one is in the time when they just need to be weak. and you know what...it makes them stronger but not crazy.

i am not the strong one. i want to cry, i want to sit and feel sorry for myself. i spent a week without my kids, in the hospital, away from my family except not away from teh extended family that once ripped into me about converting and stuff and then here they are asking my for advice, seeking me out to feel comfort and then me not caring that i need to sit and cry and let them eat each other for all i can do at the moment. i miss him and i want to be the weak little girl that used to hide under his knees. he was the only one who didn't look to me to be the strong one. he told me the smart one, the loving one, the one that would call him just because he was so close to a best friend that a girl could be with a man fifty years older than her. the only one who didn't care about what religion i was, that i was his little girl still, the only one who welcomed my husband just because he treated me right and loved me even though he was darker and had a beard, the one who told me that he would help me out when i needed him...and did. i miss him and it hasn't been a day. i miss him with every boogery tear and i am not being strong and i will not be. i need to sit and be that little girl that used to be his little girl, that used to pick him over everyone else and he would do things for me that drove everyone else crazy but he didn't care because he didn't apologize for who he was, and taught me to be the same.

my kids get it. minions them. they understand. my middle one told me that he didn't know my gito but he knows how much he loves his and he has two and now i have none i must be really sad and that he was sad just because he knew that i must hurt in my heart. i must  hurt in my heart, and so he will hug me and let me cry when i need to because that is what people with hurting hearts have to sometimes do. just remember that i have people who love me. boy, do i. minions i call them but man, i should say men. they are the definition of men, even if i had to do a timeout for them today because of fighting and inappropriate jokes about pooping....they still understand more than a lot of adults do.

so the strong ones who break down. they do, those strong ones. i don't want to be part of that rank. i want to be the one that gets to sit back and cry over how i want my life to be a little bit different and then not feel guilty over it. that i can finally not puke out my food and haven't for a week now because of this wonderful new medication given by a doctor that thought to run a test for a rather rare disease and now i should be happily strong on the road to recovery when all i really want to do right now is sleep away the pain and i can't even close my eyes. i can't really see out of them right now either but hey.

so. again, i just want to reiterate: if you know someone who you think is the rock, the foundation and doesn't need to be "weak" or perhaps....human, think again. please, for the love of that person, think again. they need a moment to lament all the things that they go through, they need a moment to be human to cry to whine to be pissed off for no real apparent reason. they need time to be just like the rest of you.

so, again, i just want to reiterate: if you are the "strong" one: who gives a shit. let them think you are strong but cry when you need to, even if it isn't your party. life isn't a party. it sucks often. if your heart hurts, do what you need to do. find someone who has awesome hugs. i have one son who has the best hugs, he just knows exactly how to get in there and squeeze your heart, so all the hurt melts away for that moment. find one of those people. they are invaluable. priceless. and then find someone you can just yell at. be pissed off and unapologetic. they want strong? give them strong. but realize that you need to be you. just you.

also, as with every time people experience death, appreciate life. being strong does not equal being tough and callous. it means rebounding and surviving. so maybe i am the strong one. maybe that means something positive. somewhere, sometime. just not at the moment. i want to lay there and have someone stroke my hair and treat me like a child. i want to be the one that people leave alone to whine, cry and then i want to go back to being me. i just don't know what that is at the moment.

so. cut the crap. let the strong be weak or don't put these faces on that make us think just because this strong one can't do it at the moment doesn't mean that the person is gone, insane, crazy, snapped. maybe a little but whatever.

just...cut the crap. i will be strong tomorrow but the only thing i want strong right now is my coffee.

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