The day of Harry's departure, was creeping nearer and nearer, faster than I thought it would. I knew I kept telling myself I was okay with this, and I would be okay. Now that the day was a mere week away, it was sinking in, and I wasn't as okay with it as I thought I would be.
We decided this weekend would be about friends and family, doing the things we needed to, before he left. Today was Saturday, the day of our engagement party. An event that was the first of the journey to marriage, and instead of being obsessively bliss and carefree, I wasn't feeling the way I should have.
I was head over heels in love, and I was happy to be marrying him, but losing him for three months wasn't how I pictured this year to turn out. I was so proud of him, and I truly was happy for him, but not having him by my side didn't feel right. It felt incomplete.
I watched as everyone took turns in congratulating him, wishing him well for the movie, while I kept busy clearing plates, and restocking the bar. I knew I should have been by his side, beaming with pride, but I couldn't bring myself to even fake a smile.
"Honey, I will do that. This is your engagement party, you should be out there enjoying yourself, and your fiancé," my mum took the tray from my hand, replacing it with a glass of champagne.
"I just wanted to make some room for the cake, that's all," I muttered, sculling the contents of the glass, watching my dad wrap an arm around Harry's shoulder, showing him off to his friends, whom I looked at as more like uncles.
"How proud are you of him? A movie! That's a huge deal. I hear the director is well known for some great films," mum watched on with me, refilling my glass as she sipped from her own.
"Yeah," I sighed.
"Okay, what's wrong," she took my glass from me, placing both down on the table, facing me with a look of worry. I knew she wouldn't let it go until I told her what was on my mind.
"Am I selfish for not wanting him to go?" I asked her, feeling guilty for even thinking the thoughts of me not wanting him to go.
"Are you not happy he's going?" She questioned me.
"Of course I'm not happy, why would I want him to go?"
"I didn't mean it like that. I mean, do you not want him to film this movie?"
"Of course I do, I'm so proud of him for taking this direction, and stepping out of his comfort zone. I know I'll be so proud when I watch it for the first time, and the time away will have been worth it. I just don't know how I'm meant to be happy everyday, when the one person I want with me, will be across the world.
I'm back at work next month, I can't just keep taking time off to globe trot, even though I want to. Mia also has to have some stability here, and be familiar with her home. It kills me to think Harry will be missing so much of her developments and firsts, I think that is what breaks my heart the most.
I just had this idea in my head that after tour finished, we'd be settled down here, and we would finally just be normal, and do normal things, without impending travel dates approaching. I am so happy for him, I just wish he didn't have to go, and I can't seem to get it out of my head."
Did this make me a bad person? Did me wanting to keep him here make me an unsupportive partner, who put her own needs before his? Probably. But I did love him, and sometimes the idea of the one you love leaving, physically hurts your heart, because you don't know how you're meant to keep smiling each day, without them there.
YOU ARE READING
With the future looking uncertain at the end of Something Greater - the second book in the Something Great trilogy - has Jenelle survived the dark turn her labour has taken, or is Harry set to be a single father? Life has now become a balancing act...