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(I recommend listening to "Dancing on my own" by Calum Scott while reading this chapter. just saying)

I woke up in tears. This isn't what my life was supposed to be like. I wasn't supposed to live this long in general. Obviously a bunch of people didn't want me here so why should I be here. I heard a knock on the door and stood face to face with the one and only Kian Lawley. He started to cry and so did I. I loved him so much and I just shut him out. Why'd I do that? Why'd I do any of this? I shut everyone who cared about me out and thought it'd be okay. I shut out Kian twice and he still comes back every time. I grabbed him and held him tight. I never wanted to let go, I cried into his chest and he cried into the crook of my neck. We stayed like that for what felt like forever and when he finally pulled back he had one question of me.

"Is it really you?" I nodded and started to cry and smile at the same time this was to much he hugged me once more and this time he hugged me like he meant it and it felt like this was gonna be the last time I would ever see him, touch him, talk to him. I loved him to much to let go of him this time. I can't keep making the same mistakes, but I keep making them. Why does this happen to me. He pulled away and he backed away and then let himself in my small apartment looking at all the pictures hanging on my walls. A lot of them was of me him and Sam. Some of them was of me and JJ. The rest was of me and Matt, or Me and Lele and Inanna.

"I missed you so much." he mumbled and I sniffled at the thought and memory of me leaving. I couldn't bare to look a myself or think of myself the same way. Ever since then I didn't really think of my self the same way. Kian smiled at the last picture. I went over to see what it was and it was me Kian and Sam on my 16 birthday. I was wearing a black pair of jeans with the tee shirt that Sam gave me in the hospital. I smiled too, that was one of my favorite birthdays. Kian walked into my room and looked around. Like all of it was me, Kian Sam. I basically had a Tumblr room. My favorite part and apparently Kian's too was the o2l based. I wrote down all the lyrics to the song and put them on my wall and then had a limited addition o2l flag hanging up next to my bed. He smiled ear too ear and I just laughed.

"How'd you get this?" He asked me I just shrugged my shoulders and winked. He laughed to himself and carried on looking through my house and then I got a call from a random number and I answered it and it was Kian so I walked to where he was and Sam and the rest of o2l was there. I cried and cried. Tears of happiness. Conner then Ricky. Trevor, with Jc. I realized Sam didn't give me a hug. Until I felt something sprint up to me and then it realized that it was Sam.

"Oh my god I missed you so much!" He cried I hugged him so tight and kept re gripping as if he was slipping away I couldn't let him slip away this time. But that's what this felt like. Like he was gonna slip away at any moment.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so so so sorry Sam. I won't ever do it again!" I cried into his chest because this was family. Not placing blame on anyone. Not accusing your best friend for what your sister did. Family is when you just love each other no matter what they did. This is why I love this family more than anything.

"I love you all so much and I'm sorry that I brought all of this onto you guys for this long. I didn't mean any of it." I cried into all of them. Because when Sam let go all of the came to hug me. I was hugging Kian with Sam behind me and the rest around me and them. They all teared up a little bit but Kian and Sam and I couldn't hold it in anymore all of us had been holding in to this stuff and this was good because we could all let it go. I really didn't want any of this to happen, but disasters come out of masterpieces.

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