Just Wait

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Despite the fact that
Seth obviously doesn't
want me around Natalia
any more than is
absolutely necessary,
it's hard to comply with
his wishes when I still
can recall how things
used to be -
how we used to be,
the three of us.
I miss all the fun that
Seth, Nat and I
had last semester
more than anything,
and though I don't want to
go against Seth or
fail to be the
best girlfriend I can
possibly be for him,
I can't help
but remember...

I've told myself before
that my feelings really don't matter
in any of this, that
his matter much more -
but I can't exactly
ignore my own thoughts,
can I?
I barely see anyone but
Seth and my family any more;
in a way, it feels like
I'm a prisoner in
my own life.
It feels just like
it had at the beginning
of the school year,
back when I hadn't had
any friends
at all:
lonely.
I can't stand it.

Whenever I'm not at home,
Seth dominates my time,
and since I'm trying
my hardest not to
upset him or let him
catch on to what I've discovered,
I just let him
drag me around and
do as he pleases
without much fuss,
though I often wish that
I could be somewhere else -
anywhere but there.
Most times, we just do homework
together at the
library or at his house,
depending on where his
parents are after school;
he hasn't really taken me
out anywhere since
the night of our argument.
I've met his mom
and stepdad once, and
they don't seem too bad,
but Seth still isn't
overly fond of them,
so he tries to avoid them
when we're together.
They don't share his
easygoing smile or
his open friendliness,
I've found;
in fact, his mom
almost seems not to be
related to him at all.
She's blonde and brown-eyed,
completely the opposite of
Seth’s black and blue.
Maybe he takes after
his dad more.

Regardless, they
seem like really
nice people, as far
as parents go.
I don't know why
Seth doesn't like them.
I'd be happy to
have them as
my parents -
if I didn't already have
such great parents,
that is.
He should be
thankful for such great people
to call his family.

Through all of these days
of seeing the same few people
and doing the same few things,
I keep telling myself
that I shouldn't complain,
that it's practically a miracle
I have a boyfriend at all -
but I end up feeling
more and more uncomfortable
as time goes by.
Euni still won't talk
to me much, and I
rarely see Natalia
any more, so it's
just me and Seth
who hear my thoughts.
Addie, too, since there
are some things that
I can never tell Seth, things
that she seems more
than willing to listen to
and advise me on.
I think I might be
taking Euni’s place as
her closest cousin, considering
my older sister has become so
withdrawn lately.
Or maybe not, I don't know.
I've never really known
how much they actually
do talk, and it's probably
no different now.
Maybe it's just
me that Euni
doesn't want to talk to.

For now, it's fine.
I don't want to hear her
I-told-you-so’s
or complaints
or anything at all
about my relationship
with Seth.
She doesn't know
anything about him,
other than the obvious -
and she definitely doesn't
know about how I feel
about Natalia, either, how
that's bound to complicate
everything, so
I'm ready to keep
our level of communication
as it is for now.
I don't want to break
the flimsy status quo
of my social life,
nice as it would be
to have an actual
conversation with Euni.

Or maybe I do,
but I just don't realize it.
Maybe I'm too scared, and
that’s why, on the first
Monday of April, when
Seth comes down with
the flu and has to
stay home for most of
the week, everything
begins to change.
Maybe I was just waiting through
these past three months -
this past year, even -
for something to finally
shift in my life, for
something to
change.

Just wait,
my heart tells me
as I walk through the
school doors with my siblings
on Monday morning,
as the sight of a
familiar blonde head
headed my way
rises up to greet me.
Just
wait.

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This was supposed to be all fancy and poetic at the end but I'm still trying to figure out how to write this thing again so it probably just sounds dumb. Idk. It works. I'm just happy to be writing this again, even if it's mostly filler chapters for now... But just you guys wait, stuff is going to be happening soon and it will be wonderful. Maybe. Lots of drama. Stay tuned, kids. B)

Anywho, happy Wednesday. Stay sane, y'all.

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