February 18, 2017
"What the hell do you want at 12 in the morning Madeline?" Talia's voice cracks when I wake her up. I needed someone to talk to since just a few hours ago I had found out I was confirmed pregnant. I had been wracking my brain to figure out what I was going to do, this in no way shape or form was planned. I wasn't ready to be a mother but I was also the one to blame. I had to take responsibility for my actions and even though it was going to be extremely hard, I had to do it.
"Talia, I have to tell you something..." I trail biting my lip nervous to even say the words out loud. I had been stewing over this ever since Louis had told me the news and I needed someone to talk to.
"Okay... what?" Talia answers a little annoyed that I am being slow at responding. I pace around my bedroom and take a seat at my window seat. My legs pushed up to my chest I look out at the glittering stars in the sky and then back down at my stomach that was now housing another human being.
"Are you with Niall?" I ask her wrapping my free arm around my stomach that isn't even showing yet. Despite not being able to see the visible evidence there was a little human growing inside me.
"Yeah but he's passed out, Mads can we just cut to the chase?" She sounds irritated as I take in a deep breath and close my eyes. The words are bitter in my mouth and I try to speak but nothing comes out.
"Madeline?" Talia says my name again and I look back out the window to where the stars sparkle and gleam across the Miami night sky.
"Can we FaceTime?" I ask her stalling every second I can. I want to tell her but at the same time, I am hesitant. I am afraid to tell her... I was afraid knowing what I know.
"Madeline you are the most high maintenance person I know," Talia grumbles in a tired tone as she changes over to FaceTime. Her brown wavy hair is tangled and undone as she sits on her elbows, the only light is coming from her phone as she rubs her eyes. "Okay, tell me."
"So umm I'm just going to come out and say it because there's no other way to say this." I begin building up the courage to say what I needed to say. A few strands of hair fall into Talia's face which causes her to push them away. Her dark brown eyes are concentrated on me and furrow slightly when I gulp and exhale my deep breath.
"Mads you are scaring me, what is going on?!" Talia asks and I open my mouth to let it all fall out with as much ease as I can muster up.
"I'm pregnant." I spit out finally getting the courage as I speed over the two words I never thought I would say so soon.
"What?" Talia asks with confusion written all over her features. She didn't hear me, I must have said it too quickly...
"I am pregnant," I say more clearly still trying to grasp onto the fact that this was all real. If I couldn't even say the words out loud what was I going to do in a few months when the baby does come?
"You are?" Talia asks me still with a chilled attitude which was not what I was expecting. I had expected her to be a lot more surprised than what she was showing me.
"You are acting surprisingly super calm about the whole thing... I'm not going to lie I wanted a more surprised reaction." I tell her honestly and then it hits her and her face changes from tired and bored to more surprised and confused all at once.
"Oh, you aren't kidding!" Talia sees that I am serious and not kidding around like I usually did with her.
"No, I really am pregnant! I went into the doctor's office today to confirm it." I tell her seeing her sit up and widen her eyes. She places her hand over her mouth and looks at me while I sigh out.
"Holy shit Madeline!"
"Now that was the reaction I was looking for!" I point out and see her try and process the information I had just dropped on her.
"Have you told Harry about this?" Talia then begins to question me.
"No, not yet, I can't..." I answer since this was a bit of a loaded question. I didn't bring up the fact that Zayn could potentially be the baby's father. However, no one knew who Zayn was not even Talia whom I told everything too.
"What do you mean you can't?! Are you going to have the baby?" Talia rapid fires me with questions and honestly, I hadn't given much thought about some of them. There was so much to consider now and I was falling into an overwhelmed state.
"I just can't yet... I am just barely coming to terms with all this I need some time before I tell him." I start imagining how the entire exchange would all go down. I didn't know what he would say or how he would react but I needed time.
"Are you going to have the baby? You know you have options Mads..." Talia begins looking at me as I stare off and exhale again.
"Yes, of course, I am going to have the baby. I'm just freaking out right now, I don't know what to do or what to think. I know I should be happy because I mean it's a baby but I'm terrified! Does that make me a bad person?" I stare down at my feet and feel a wave of uncertainty push into my mind. I'm not sure about anything and my life was about to dramatically change.
"Honey no! Of course not! Pregnancy can be a scary thing when you weren't expecting it." Talia assures me making me feel slightly better. Maybe my feelings would change in the future but right now I was terrified and anxious beyond belief.
"I just feel like a bad person for not wanting the baby because what mother doesn't want their own child? I just feel bad and I'm feeling so much right now it's like my emotions are suffocating me." I open up to Talia and begin to cry unexpectedly. I didn't expect to get emotional but here I was crying!
"Oh, Mads honey don't cry! I'm right for you!" Talia says to me and I wipe my own tears.
"I don't even know why I am crying right now! I wasn't sad but now I'm just crying and I don't know how I ended up here in the first place!" I sniffle and try to stop my streaming tears that are dripping down from my eyes. I wasn't usually super emotional like this but my emotions had punched me right in the face. I didn't even see this coming.
"You are going through an emotional time right now baby! Your hormones are going to be changing over the next few weeks." Talia enlightens me as I then switch to a much different mood. Honestly, I can't even keep up with myself.
"I don't want to be hormonal! I don't want to cry! I don't cry! I hate crying! Why am I being a pussy ass bitch?!" I am irritated with the entire situation and am finding it hard to completely control my emotions and actions.
"Madeline honey why don't you lay down and get some rest? I will help you figure things out in the morning, okay?" Talia suggests and I nod to her point. I was exhausted and the longer I stayed up the more upset I was getting.
"Okay." I agree and wrap up the conversation with Talia. I hang up and lean my head against the window where I stare out at the night for a few more minutes. What was I going to do?
N. I have a day off work tomorrow so there might be a double update;) also what team are you on? Daddy Zayn or Daddy Harry?
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